Crushtor's Guide to Annoying Everyone You Know on Facebook, Part II

Crushtor's Guide to Annoying Everyone You Know on Facebook, Part II

Only the chart is doin it rite

If there's a second-string guide to casually stirring that barely noticeable irritation that you feel every time you see something you irrationally yet unashamedly dislike on Facebook, this would be it. If hell seems like sharing this planet with other people, then Facebook is where those people project themselves digitally; together with all their bullshit tendencies that annoy the fuck out of you.

Worst Photos Taken with Ugliest Camera

First off, apologies to the closest thing we have to Oscar Wilde with a WACOM tablet, Mr. C. Onstad, for the appropration of his witticism. If you are unattractive, then you have no place on Facebook. At all. Please do not disgrace it with photos of your grotesque person, you are not suited for having images of yourself for consumption on any medium that can broadcast itself to more than three people simultaneously. The test: If you tend to smile and your face still appears rude to most others, then you just know.

Smug RSVP Regrets

OK. The event function on Facebook can often be a convenient tool for informing friends and potential business contacts about functions, parties and often times, "meta-events" such as "Hugs for Slurpees" day which makes next to little sense to me. However, the potential for RSVP abuse runs rife; selecting "Maybe" tends to result in a "No" (admittedly I have elected - once - to go to an event I said I'd "maybe" show up to out of possibly scores or even hundreds) and "No" requires a believable and perfunctory excuse - one that reflects a genuine-sounding lament for your non-attendance while aggrandizing oneself at the same time. "Oh sorry," most people write, "i'll be overseas." Yes, of course you are. Because your shitty travelogues and awkwardly framed pictures of downtown Stuttgart aren't reminder enough of your woefully generic adventures.

Complaining "to" Facebook about Facebook

I'm sure many users on Facebook are seldom satisfied with the layout of Facebook; any opportunity to complain about something using the service about the service will be seized more quickly than FREE MONEY NOW!!11 or WORK FROM HOME? EARN $92 AN HR!!! - likewise these users are terribly concerned for their privacy, fearing that monetization means the wholesale pillage of their credit card details and porn fetishes, all sinisterly uploaded to a waiting cabal of Indian data-entry operators that have little regard for calling you about a "free prize" just as you were about to tuck into a hearty bowl of Mac & Cheese.
Complaining about Facebook in the vain hope that Facebook (in this instance, the admins and mods of the service, not the seemingly self-aware robot that we thought operated the site) will somehow take heed and whimsically repair such gross crimes against intuitive web design for them is like the internet equivalent of saying "Get your stinking government hands off my Medicare!!!" Irony, unconsciously uttered on the internet? That's unpossible. Is Joseph Heller still alive? Someone should tell him about this, probably.

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I should really blog about something I'm doing at some point. Oh well.

Crushtor's Guide to Boring Everyone You Know on Facebook

Pasta: Good to eat, terrible to watch as a static image

Crushtor's Guide to Boring Everyone You Know on Facebook

Good afternoon Blogosphere, Twitterverse and Facebooktopia: here I am, back from the dead (no, not literally) ready to blog about more inane topics rather inanely. During my stint at a never to be disclosed technology based "firm", I probably buggerized around on Facebook more than ever before in such a compressed amount of time. Pouring through lists of websites and other boring shit made marginally less boring shit more appealing to indulge around in. (It probably explains my strange and larger than should be following on Twitter.) But some of this slightly less boring shit actually exceeded the boringness of the shit I was trying to avoid - (que pasa?); hence the rationale behind this post.

Taking Photos of Inanimate Objects at Parties and then Posting them
You've all seen them. Hell, some of you are culprits to this heinous crime. Most of them are just ridiculous over-reportage of the mundane; the pasta someone half-ate, a balloon that looks slightly askew to one in a bunch, an unattended DJ desk; all wastes of people's precious time. You do realize we all die at some point, right?

Groups Started in the Aid of Three Dudes Going Overseas for No Apparent Reason
Yeah, Facebook is sort of like Twitter, LiveJournal and Flickr; but not. In the event all three websites merged all of their servers in some kind of T-1000 absorbancy process which would look fucking awesome if filmed, they unfortunately shall never be.

What's shit about having a group for these things is that if you join it one of the nerdier dudes that comprise the traveling triumvirate who manages to stumble into the downstairs Internet Cafe of their backpacker hostel after another night on the piss can write up a lame and elongated post littered with bad spelling and the liberal use of the word "awesome" to describe the ridiculous and the sublime encountered on their trip.

The kicker is they then force you to read their mangled prose, because you'd feel like an arsehole if you didn't and it'd be awkward once they came back and asked "so dude, did you read my Facebook post?" and all you could produce is a half-hearted "Ahh, yeah man, it was cool" even though both of you know you're lying.

Re-Posting of Internet Memes Well Past their Use-By
Some people take some adjusting to the "new" way of the world and the immediacy of the Internet; because that's how it works; Zeno's Arrow is wherever you see it as at that particular moment; the past on the internet is meant to be forgotten. Like Strong Bad says - the internet is a place where absolutely nothing happens. Why ruin it by wasting time with time wasters everyone has already wasted their time watching? Benny Lava, I'm On A Boat, Beached Kiwi Whale; they are dead. To everyone. FOREVER. Let them rest in peace. Please. (Signed, the internet.)

There you have it fan(s), another worthless rant in an overcrowded world of worthless ranting. If only I could condense this to 140 characters...

Crushtor.net's Guide to Crap Metal Videos

I don't know about you, but ever since the rise and dominance of the Live DVD, the need and want for metal music videos - especially those with a deficit of creativity - has sharply declined. Who gets excited over a metal music video any more, unless it's completely awesome? Here's a basic guide to metal videos which will save you time; once you get 30 seconds into a video, you'll instantly recognize it as part of one the genres below. Once identified, turn off your television, put on the record it came off and figure out the rest. Alternatively, you can imagine a much cooler video in your head.

Band Playing in Disused Warehouse/Old Church/Ruins
The old standard. Helloween used it, Iron Maiden used it, Judas Priest used it; it's good enough for any metal band on a strict budget that just have to release a video. Features nifty cuts and close ups of shredding, odd panning or steadicam work and the band pulling tough faces so the director can prove that he is able to operate the equipment to an acceptable standard. Occasionally the director might throw in some weird shots of buildings, children crying, forest running or other creepy shit for shits and giggles. Also: the thrashier the band, the crazier the camerawork.

Examples: Arsis - We are the Nightmare, Children of Bodom - Trashed, Lost and Strungout; Mercenary - My World is Ending

Band Playing Gig
Did you know Motorhead faked an entire live set for their first home video? Well, taking cues from that wonderful premise, bands also save heaps of cash by sticking some cameras in amongst a wild gig. They splice together the footage, forming a perfectly releasable video. Occasionally there's some narrative thrown in; but it's getting in the way of the shredding! Isn't that why we're still watching?!

The greatest cash saver I've ever seen was the In Flames/Soilwork "rivalry" videos: It featured them both insult one another out on the snowy streets of Gothenburg and having them both show up at each other's gigs (contrived of course) to cause all sorts of mischief! In the same venue! With the same crowd! Genius. You can also have a gig in a warehouse, which fulfils both wishes simulteneously.

Examples: In Flames - Jotun, Amon Amarth - Death in Fire, Soilwork - Rejection Role

Band Playing in Fantasy Setting
If the director's pitches of "in a warehouse" and "one of your gigs" falls short, the ultimate fallback has the band playing in some weird fantasy land that sort of doesn't look like a warehouse (even though nine times out of ten, it sort of is.) Castles, clouds, Middle-Earth, snow-capped tundras; they're all not warehouses, therefore fulfilling the band and director's objective of not having the video filmed in a warehouse.

Examples: Helloween - If I Could Fly, Nightwish - Nemo, Rhapsody - Unholy Warcry

Actually Cool Videos
If you're actually up at 4am after a huge night out and you decide to turn on Rage, you may indeed win the proverbial metal video lottery by actually witnessing one with a skerrick of inventiveness. Granted it doesn't happen very often and even the better ones are merely variations on a theme (such as Sentenced's Ever-Frost which has them at a gig not actually playing the gig). The truly great ones abandon conventions and dig up ideas further afield from the obvious, such as the David Lynch inspired ThereIn by Dark Tranquillity or the slick detective story (with them playing in a warehouse; but dressed up in rather dapper duds) from Blind Guardian in Another Stranger Me. The only completely awesome video I've ever seen would probably have to be the one for Trollhammaren by Finntroll because it depicts a troll party and troll parties are awesome.

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In actual news: Interviewed Andrew Craighan from My Dying Bride. He. was. epic.

Crushtor.net's Guide to Australian White People - Part II

Crushtor.net's Guide to Australian White People - Part II


Scared yet? Shudder before your displays of liquid crystal in our second installment of Crushtor.net's Guide to Australian White People!

Private Ownership of Common Property
Of course, most white people abhor the spectre of Communism just as much as ever these days, what with the appeal of a badge-based economy growing ever less once its made clear that iPhones would be classed as a tool of the imperialist oppressors and only the dirtiest and smelliest Arts degree toting comrades would ever be allowed to lay their eyes on one.

In simpler terms, Australian White people love staking their claim to films, books and internet memes they chanced upon as if the mass media was in a perpetual Eureka Stockade, and they think themselves as the one-armed Peter Lalor demanding that the prospectors own their plots of land, or in this case, a video of Chocolate Rain, or whatever. They publicly proclaim their "ownership" of any such social occasion when the name of the production is raised as if they wrote, directed and distributed the fucking thing themselves.

Likewise for concerts and other such events - they also believe as a ticketholder, the band/troupe/comedian performed exclusively for their benefit, although this is clearly contrary to what occurs in reality.

Language as Social Control
As Hayakawa eloquently and simply put in his Language in Thought and Action, "society makes its mightiest collective effort to impose predictability upon human behavior" and is expressed in nearly every way possible from the absurd to the profane, such as marriage or the agreement to form relationships. The ritualistic dance of humans as they are made to be slaves to the utterances they make seems really stupid, and as Hayakawa continues, "that many of our social directives and the rituals accompanying them are antiquated and somewhat insulting to adult minds." However, Australian White people believe that emotional security in objects and the perceived qualities of others are far more desirable than freedom of mind and person, and as such, will be quite content to fuck themselves up in such a fashion to attain such ideals.

Events to Commemorate Events
Australian White people also love confusing spontaneous events such as births, deaths, employment, promotion and other such bullshit with pre-determined events to commemorate the said event. They hold events to commemorate an event which may have already occured, and summarily confuse the organized event with the spontaneous one. Tony getting his promotion at the Glue Factory happened in an office with a sweaty, bespectacled gentleman named Steve, not when Tony told all his mates in a hail of saccharine adulation and Chicken Parmiagiana. Even more confusing is holding events for non-events, such as "Christmas in July" and "Ben and Marks' post-pissup pissup pissup."

Exaggeration
If there's one inescapable fact of modern life, is that Australian White people tend to exaggerate their participation in any and all activities - that if a small group of AWPs were to work towards a goal, the combined sum of all efforts would equal 230% if aggregated from individual testimony. Concert attendance would see a crowd over triple the capacity of the venue in which it was held, the production 500 times more profitable than what was fudged in the ledger. Even their golf scores are rounded to the nearest ten, their actual duration of the minor celebrity rounded up to the nearest half-hour, and the achievements of said celebrity rounded up to "Major TV Personality."

Until next time, friends!

Click here to view Part I of the Guide

Crushtor.net's Guide to Australian White People - Part I

All hail King Kochie, Imperator Australis Albus

Have every reason to fear, comrades! Crushtor.net proudly presents its second offering in its Guides and/or Tributes to Series™ - Our Guide to Australian White People - Part I.

Who are they?
White people aren't necessarily melanin-deficient people of Anglo-Australian descent - they may hail from overseas and come in a variety of colors, creeds and denominations. "White" in this sense doesn't explicitly exclude or discriminate: any dumb, vacuous, naturally conservative and middle-aged (or middle-aged at heart) motherfucker can be white, as you will soon see. (Inspired by the Stuff White People Like blog.)

Culture
White people crave mediocrity and kitsch shit, as evidenced by their love for lifestyle programs such as "Better Homes and Gardens" and its derivatives. As long as tips for making inexpensive paintings and "perfect" dishes such as "perfect chocolate cake" (yes, the show claims to "solve" cooking once and for all) are thrown at a White audience with nary a thought for actually attempting such activities, the White person is satiated. They also enjoy watching celebrities dance, sing and/or comment upon events of historical significance which they have little knowledge of.

White people also revere trivial insignificance presented as credible and important fact; such as the whereabouts of Lindsay Lohan; the items that are purchased by Victoria "Posh" Beckham; the "outrageous" names bestowed upon Nicole Kidman's daughter; any hard-drive space used to store images and sound captured from the Big Brother House.

Musical expression is limited to the latest Coldplay album in the form of a ringtone. That, and musical theater, for some inexplicably fucked up reason. What the fuck is with that shit?

Drinking
Another pastime of White people is inexplicable displays of public drunkenness. White people enjoy catching public transport to congregate with other White people in order to consume alcohol. They also revel in their advanced cognitive powers of recalling the types and quantities of all beverages consumed within a given time-frame. Alcohol also allows White people to: talk to girls; dance badly to 70s disco music; boast about their unverifiable claims of sexual prowess; humiliate their partners; revert to a childish state for their own and others' amusement.

Complaining
Another activity which is almost certainly the sole domain of the White person is incessant complaining about the state of the world around them. All actions and/or objects are a potential irritant, and no White person is immune from the perpetual inconvenience of life itself. Despite having the highest education rates in the world, White people design (often cheaply) appliances with limited usefulness after a given time, despite White people's insistence on the infallibility of such appliances. They routinely mistake the words used to describe any such appliance for the appliance itself, and this angers the White person. Thus the White person is "let down" easily, causing frustration and eventually, the vocal annunciation of these feelings to those within earshot.

Implicit Racism
The Australian White person, while burying most of their explicit racism has taken to more insidious forms of racism to continue subjugating non-White Australians, such as making them watch stupid fucking kitsch television or insisting upon allegiance to Australia and their boring as fuck traditions and not to the bastard country of "UnAustralia", the nation where many unpatriotic residents supposedly reside.
If they are not blatantly racist, White people take it upon themselves to remedy the injustices they perceive to be prevalent in society by acting on the behalf of the oppressed, usually without their consent or foreknowledge. White people expect to be lauded as heroes for merely championing such causes and are often disappointed when their overtures are not welcomed or acknowledged. (see "Complaining")

Looking forward to Part II of the Guide?™ Hell, so am I!

Crushtor.net's Tribute to Television Coffee

Fellow reader(s*), some may know me for my fondness for huddling myself in front of the warm glow of a Television, either in ersatz in form of a computer machine or even the real thing. However, what has been routinely neglected by TV viewers are the contributions of beverage merchants that make the experience complete. I talk of Fictional Television Coffee. We at Crushtor.net wish to remedy this oversight by our inaugural tribute to TV Coffee for giving so little while we ask so much of it. Forza, caffe!

1. Central Perk
Not that Central Perk was a blend of coffee itself, it does merit mention as the setting for most "comical" transactions and latte-sipping amongst the long-running Friends, also a series of the same name. I guess once people realized that character development would never actually take place, they got Lisa Kudrow to typecast herself by making her play ditzy songs on a guitar she most evidently had no idea how to play for the amusement of white people everywhere.

2. Awkward Moments Coffee
Possibly the most remarkably uproarious blend of coffee ever "created" for sketch comedy is Rich Fulcher and Matt Berry's Awkward Moments Coffee, the special coffee for "those moments that are just too awkward for words." Whether you fire up a pot for walking in on your wife with another man, when you call a fat girl pregnant or tell a bloke "you like him like a brother", it's great joe! If Matt Berry beckoned me to purchase some with that sultry baritone of his, I'd drink it every fucking day - be it in awkward, tense or even slightly jovial situations regardless.


3. Duncan Hills Coffee
Popularized by metal monsters Dethklok, Duncan Hills Coffee is, as front man Nathan Explosion says, "blacker than the blackest black times infinity", which would be absolute advertising gold if Duncan Hills Coffee ever decided to actually exist. Not that metalheads would ever substitute coffee for beer, however. Although, something tells me if a cartoon death metal vocalist they routinely quoted told them to, they would. Until then, Scream. For your cream.

4. Star Trek "Replicator" Coffee
In the "popular" "science-fiction" series Star Trek: The Next Generation, food and beverages could materialize out of thin air when a bald man in a jumpsuit commanded a hole in the wall to do so. Not that Baldy actually ordered coffee, its just cool that he had the power to do so at his whim. If you read through the volumes of nerd technobabble that has been created to canonize every insignificant fucking detail of the innards of the USS Enterprise, the coffee is actually reconstituted shit that had its molecules rearranged. Those 24th Century greenie pacifists really know how to recycle!

5. High School and "College" All-Nighter Coffee
Inevitably, a teen high school or university show (Undeclared is recommended, by the way) will feature an episode that requires our hapless protagonist(s) to consume gross amounts of the sacred bean to keep them awake to complete an assignment they put off/study for a test they think they will fail/keep watch for the nasty old Dean or try to win some bizzare contest. I challenge you to write and direct a similar teen/young adult series that doesn't feature such an episode. Go on, do it.

And as we fondly wave upon our departed fictional coffee, we salute its beany, full-bodied contributions to television that have hitherto never been recognized. Raise your mugs in appreciation! Here's to you, TV Coffee!!!

*readers may or may not actually exist.