Crushtor.net's Guide to Australian White People - Part II

Crushtor.net's Guide to Australian White People - Part II


Scared yet? Shudder before your displays of liquid crystal in our second installment of Crushtor.net's Guide to Australian White People!

Private Ownership of Common Property
Of course, most white people abhor the spectre of Communism just as much as ever these days, what with the appeal of a badge-based economy growing ever less once its made clear that iPhones would be classed as a tool of the imperialist oppressors and only the dirtiest and smelliest Arts degree toting comrades would ever be allowed to lay their eyes on one.

In simpler terms, Australian White people love staking their claim to films, books and internet memes they chanced upon as if the mass media was in a perpetual Eureka Stockade, and they think themselves as the one-armed Peter Lalor demanding that the prospectors own their plots of land, or in this case, a video of Chocolate Rain, or whatever. They publicly proclaim their "ownership" of any such social occasion when the name of the production is raised as if they wrote, directed and distributed the fucking thing themselves.

Likewise for concerts and other such events - they also believe as a ticketholder, the band/troupe/comedian performed exclusively for their benefit, although this is clearly contrary to what occurs in reality.

Language as Social Control
As Hayakawa eloquently and simply put in his Language in Thought and Action, "society makes its mightiest collective effort to impose predictability upon human behavior" and is expressed in nearly every way possible from the absurd to the profane, such as marriage or the agreement to form relationships. The ritualistic dance of humans as they are made to be slaves to the utterances they make seems really stupid, and as Hayakawa continues, "that many of our social directives and the rituals accompanying them are antiquated and somewhat insulting to adult minds." However, Australian White people believe that emotional security in objects and the perceived qualities of others are far more desirable than freedom of mind and person, and as such, will be quite content to fuck themselves up in such a fashion to attain such ideals.

Events to Commemorate Events
Australian White people also love confusing spontaneous events such as births, deaths, employment, promotion and other such bullshit with pre-determined events to commemorate the said event. They hold events to commemorate an event which may have already occured, and summarily confuse the organized event with the spontaneous one. Tony getting his promotion at the Glue Factory happened in an office with a sweaty, bespectacled gentleman named Steve, not when Tony told all his mates in a hail of saccharine adulation and Chicken Parmiagiana. Even more confusing is holding events for non-events, such as "Christmas in July" and "Ben and Marks' post-pissup pissup pissup."

Exaggeration
If there's one inescapable fact of modern life, is that Australian White people tend to exaggerate their participation in any and all activities - that if a small group of AWPs were to work towards a goal, the combined sum of all efforts would equal 230% if aggregated from individual testimony. Concert attendance would see a crowd over triple the capacity of the venue in which it was held, the production 500 times more profitable than what was fudged in the ledger. Even their golf scores are rounded to the nearest ten, their actual duration of the minor celebrity rounded up to the nearest half-hour, and the achievements of said celebrity rounded up to "Major TV Personality."

Until next time, friends!

Click here to view Part I of the Guide