Crushtor.net's Guide to Australian White People - Part I

All hail King Kochie, Imperator Australis Albus

Have every reason to fear, comrades! Crushtor.net proudly presents its second offering in its Guides and/or Tributes to Series™ - Our Guide to Australian White People - Part I.

Who are they?
White people aren't necessarily melanin-deficient people of Anglo-Australian descent - they may hail from overseas and come in a variety of colors, creeds and denominations. "White" in this sense doesn't explicitly exclude or discriminate: any dumb, vacuous, naturally conservative and middle-aged (or middle-aged at heart) motherfucker can be white, as you will soon see. (Inspired by the Stuff White People Like blog.)

Culture
White people crave mediocrity and kitsch shit, as evidenced by their love for lifestyle programs such as "Better Homes and Gardens" and its derivatives. As long as tips for making inexpensive paintings and "perfect" dishes such as "perfect chocolate cake" (yes, the show claims to "solve" cooking once and for all) are thrown at a White audience with nary a thought for actually attempting such activities, the White person is satiated. They also enjoy watching celebrities dance, sing and/or comment upon events of historical significance which they have little knowledge of.

White people also revere trivial insignificance presented as credible and important fact; such as the whereabouts of Lindsay Lohan; the items that are purchased by Victoria "Posh" Beckham; the "outrageous" names bestowed upon Nicole Kidman's daughter; any hard-drive space used to store images and sound captured from the Big Brother House.

Musical expression is limited to the latest Coldplay album in the form of a ringtone. That, and musical theater, for some inexplicably fucked up reason. What the fuck is with that shit?

Drinking
Another pastime of White people is inexplicable displays of public drunkenness. White people enjoy catching public transport to congregate with other White people in order to consume alcohol. They also revel in their advanced cognitive powers of recalling the types and quantities of all beverages consumed within a given time-frame. Alcohol also allows White people to: talk to girls; dance badly to 70s disco music; boast about their unverifiable claims of sexual prowess; humiliate their partners; revert to a childish state for their own and others' amusement.

Complaining
Another activity which is almost certainly the sole domain of the White person is incessant complaining about the state of the world around them. All actions and/or objects are a potential irritant, and no White person is immune from the perpetual inconvenience of life itself. Despite having the highest education rates in the world, White people design (often cheaply) appliances with limited usefulness after a given time, despite White people's insistence on the infallibility of such appliances. They routinely mistake the words used to describe any such appliance for the appliance itself, and this angers the White person. Thus the White person is "let down" easily, causing frustration and eventually, the vocal annunciation of these feelings to those within earshot.

Implicit Racism
The Australian White person, while burying most of their explicit racism has taken to more insidious forms of racism to continue subjugating non-White Australians, such as making them watch stupid fucking kitsch television or insisting upon allegiance to Australia and their boring as fuck traditions and not to the bastard country of "UnAustralia", the nation where many unpatriotic residents supposedly reside.
If they are not blatantly racist, White people take it upon themselves to remedy the injustices they perceive to be prevalent in society by acting on the behalf of the oppressed, usually without their consent or foreknowledge. White people expect to be lauded as heroes for merely championing such causes and are often disappointed when their overtures are not welcomed or acknowledged. (see "Complaining")

Looking forward to Part II of the Guide?™ Hell, so am I!