Spamming us with Offspring

After talking with a friend on Twitter the other day, it seems Channel 10 have gone batshit crazy plugging their new Secret Life of Us clone "Offspring" featuring the unfathomably annoying Asher Keddie, master of the annoying "pained yet knowing" expression. There's been extended promos for it, flash ads on the internet, themed station IDs and even those small "pop-up ads" during the Football. (Great use of chasing your core demographic there.)

Working at a "internet regulator" year or so ago, I was well versed with the Australian Communications and Media Authority and their jurisdiction regarding what constituted "spam" under the Federal Spam Act 2003. Under the act, it is illegal to:

"to send, or cause to be sent, unsolicited commercial electronic messages."

What sucks even more is that it's only limited to SMS, MMS, email and instant messaging services. I'm not the greatest proponent of government intervention but something has to be done about this. We can't just stop watching Channel 10 because the government will probably bail them out or allow them to be swallowed up by a media conglomerate with deeper pockets.

But lets say I view every commercial station for an equal duration - say each of them for two hours a day. Within those two hours of watching C10, I will have seen at least 38 minutes of ads; so a conservative estimate would mean I've seen about 35 minutes of advertising for fucking Offspring, which I steadfastly refuse to watch.

Fair enough that I choose to watch television or whatever. But advertising the same fucking thing over and over again is fucking annoying and is for the most part, unsolicited due to the ownership and production of the show by the network. I can only hope that the torrent of ads for this show means the test audiences thought it was fucking terrible beyond redemption and it's pulled after a couple of weeks. The end.

Argh, Kizzine!

I'm a huge fan of Iron Chef. I myself am the Champion of the Seedyville Iron Chef League and was quite excited when Emily told me of the new Iron Chef Australia production. But then I figured, since I live in Australia and our entire media industry is run by fuckwits, they'll inevitably cock it up because they're so retarded and install Matt Preston as the Chairman Kaga analog which will be complete and utter shite.

So here's my suggestion for the 4 Iron Chef regions instead of the original Japanese 4 (Chinese, French, Italian and Japanese) and American (who knows, who cares) versions.

1. Iron Chef Asian
Since having one Iron Chef per country seems a bit narrow in Australia, I think it's pertinent to have an Iron Chef versed in all Asian cuisine - Japanese, Chinese, Thai, Vietnamese, Malaysian and from the Indian sub-continent. Australia has a wide range of local ingredients and chefs that specialize in all these forms and could easily tackle any international challenger.

2. Iron Chef Mediterranean
This one seems obvious for an Aussie version since nearly every metropolitan city has a sizeable Italian, Greek or Slavic population. The Meditteranean would also take in Spain and southern France which covers most of the influential European styles. It could also take in North Africa and parts of the Middle East.

3. Iron Chef Western Contemporary
This Iron Chef would take in the best fusion styles from the US and UK. There would be variations on Central and South American flavors, Indian, Chinese and even Middle Eastern cuisines. The chef would also be well versed in making new artistic creations based on Cajun, Southern US, Southwestern US and Soul food.

4. Iron Chef Australian
Of course, there must be an Aussie representative on the show that showcases the best innovations from the Australian culinary world. This chef could also be called the "fusion" Iron Chef but still keep his or her style rooted in the Australian culture - both traditional and modern. He would be literally "writing the history" of the new Australian cuisine.

Its just a thought, but I want Australia to have a competitive cooking show that it can actually be proud of this time!

Christmas Straight Up Sucks

I figure that the most irritating holiday of the year requires input from yours truly, because we seem to be the generation that has perverted it to such a degree no one knows why we sit around a table, eat a damn bird that no one eats during regular times and other shit that we only care to think of during December. Surely, this process could all be mediated instead over Facebook, somehow?

If it were up to me, I'd probably order Chinese food with hell of egg rolls and chicken wings instead. (Provided I was somewhere that did that kind of order.) I'd sit around, download more episodes of The Wire and watch them on a big screen TV, oblivious that my local bar, CD store and Discount Tyre outlet were all closed. I lead an interesting life, dammit - I exist as an eternal mixture of intrigue and backwater sass. (Hah, who am I kidding.)

Talking about The Wire, its cerebral television; it has this uncanny ability to draw you to its narrative, even though the bulk of it is ego-driven political dialog the likes of which Aaron Sorkin loves to masturbate over, losing his jive whenever the characters say "fuck." (And they say "fuck" quite a lot!)

If you can imagine your best friend - as complicated and imperfect as they are, you can get a handle on how compelling and brilliant The Wire is. You probably met at some time in your lives where you both had the same interests and conversation flowed so freely you didn't even notice the sun rising after spending all night on the phone, greeting their brothers and sisters and tagging along to strange as hell events like their Dutch migrant piano recital or application for tags at the DMV. (Er, VicRoads? Screw it, y'all know I want to be seppo)

The Wire is the televisual equivalent of your best friend - the tension between their own self-interest and your need for attention - exists like allegory on the screen. You see cops beating on their own, drug dealers aspiring for the average life and the corrupt, perverse nature of institutionalizing humans at their worst, at their most demonized. As it plays out, you understand and feel everything it offers in and of itself and beyond - much like your best friend does - without even realizing.

Next year, we should all watch The Wire instead of having Christmas.

So it goes.

I can't (read: won't) say much about it, but my new job "cleaning the internet" (not content, just dodgy domains) had an unassailable lead for best job ever...until they blocked the good parts. I do love the mandatory eating of breakfast as the first order of business though.

Uni's back; and so it would seem, my wit.

Shai and Crushtor have a smoko

Me: You see that chick over there? With the beret?
Shai: Which one?
Me: The one that looks like she's an extra in a Godard movie.
Shai: Yeah.
Me: Arts student?
Shai: Absolutely.
Me: Let's test it out. Just casually name drop a critical theorist and see if she looks over at us.
Shai: Lacan.
Me: Foucault.
Shai: Did she look?
Me: She totally glanced up! Let's try it again!

----

Soup and such

Nermal: I can't believe you downloaded 200GB worth of TV shows, Damith.
Damith: Why not, if the Uni doesn't block it, I'll download it.
Me: Why bother Damith, all American TV shows fall into one of two categories: Shows about Lawyers or Doctors doing ordinary stuff; or, shows about ordinary people with some kind of hidden talent, superpower or one of them being placed in an extreme situation.
Shai: My god, you're right.
Me: Think about it. Law and Order, Grey's Anatomy, Boston Legal. Shows about professionals that are just doing their jobs. Reaper, Chuck and Breaking Bad? Shows about guys on minimum wage with special powers and/or put in weird situations.
Damith: What about House?
Me: Well, House is just shit.

I really should write up my Cannibal Corpse interview.

S*candal

I have been informed by sources who wish to remain nameless that our beloved television staple - nay - icon of the mid-90s, A*Mazing, was not a wholly Australian unique concept. It is in fact a synthesis of two American shows, namely Nick Arcade and Legends of the Hidden Temple.

I implore the Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade to rectify this situation by immediately deporting James Sherry post-haste. That is all. Stephen Smith! I THROW DOWN THE GAUNTLET TO YOU!

(But I will watch their completely hilarious It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. One of my Top 3 for sure.)

You and he were...buddies, weren't you?

Watching Garth Marenghi's Darkplace, a timeless cult classic which I thought I had seen to absolute death still cracks me up after watching three times in a row (once with "directors'" commentary.)

I had a good time at the Darkplace party last night; partying 'til 6am felt good again (even if I did take a break during a showing of The Lost Boys.)

I really hope I get one of the jobs i've applied for soon; however K-Rudd doesn't really fill me with confidence. Although I will take his/our money, just for the record.

Every Hour, On Your Hour

Trawling through the internet and Facebook the other day caused me to realize how fragmented experiences are getting these days. When I go to a party, photos are now expected to be taken and put up on Facebook. Same with trips overseas or across country; people upload a mess of photos and that's it; travelogue completed. The verbal element is all but eliminated and the days of regailing your friends with tales of your sojourn are over. "Here are all my pictures, you figure it out." Its sort of like the Lonely Planet guide you'd find in Fahrenheit 451. I know, I know, I'm an 80 year old trapped in a 22 year old body; call me old-fashioned for wanting to hear or read stories instead of looking at pictures. It's sort of like an on-demand travel slide-show party.

Don't get me wrong, I love the concept of on-demand. I don't sit down to watch TV any more; I download pretty much everything ahead of time (FastTrack just ain't fast enough) or shows that I can't get on TV where I live. Intelligent and brilliant shows such as Breaking Bad, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia or Snuff Box don't play in Australia (absent from both free-to-air and Pay TV) and if I want to see them, I'll have to download them. In the absence of a Hulu.com style service which I would gladly pay a nominal, reasonable fee for, I'm sort of forced to.

Australia seems to be the orphaned bastard child when it comes to distributed media services (especially when our fourth-rate internet service needs to be employed in order for it to function) and politicians and media owners wonder why no one bothers to invest in our entertainment and media industry.

Tomorrow (my time) shall be a most momentous occasion indeed.

We Can Start Over Again

I've been applying for about 10 different jobs a day, on average, and I've only received about two or three replies that have seemed promising. If there's a God, he definitely doesn't want me to fly overseas and be happy for once. Of course, even if there was, I couldn't blame him for all my ills, because they're all self-caused? Car accidents and repair costs notwithstanding? Maybe?

Although, all this abundant free time allows me to catch up on my writing, my reading and my Mad Men watching. I really hope they make more of this thoroughly brilliant series. It's cerebral, it's visceral and it's got really, really hot women in lead roles. How I pine for the early '60s...

Chuck has been entertaining (with obligatory arse-kicking hot girl in lead role - what's not to like) if not a complete ripoff of Reaper with a slicker, "spy vs. spy" dramatic edge. I'm also really into the "Quack Experimental Anime" Excel Saga at the moment... What's it like? I guess you'll just have to see for yourself.

As for my oft-garbled state of mind? Well, this song kind of sums it up at the moment:

Jesus died and God's gone missing / Take your skin off it might fit me now
Love is dead and you're so pretty, baby / You still need my hands to feel
You still need my heart to bleed / 'Cause your lips taste just like money

(Kent - Just Like Money)

Crushtor's Guide to Children's TV: Press Gang

Crushtor.net's Guide to crap Awesome Children's Television

Sponsored by the Delightful DeeDee and Clever Kyle

Episode the First: Press Gang

The Brief:
A post-Thatcherite London in the cold grip of a recession, probably - children stare towards a bleak future with their hopes fading, their dreams shattering like so many beer bottles over Everton supporters' heads during a match at Old Trafford. A youngish entrepreneur extolling the virtue of pre-Blair Third Way economics sets up a growing journalistic concern for adolescents for some reason in conjunction with a local high school. Hot hot journalistic action ensues.


The All-Star Cast, I guess:
The only obvious star you recognize is Ab Fab's Saffy (Julia Sahwala) as the hard-boiled Editor that does mad cusses in her head and maintains a rigid honor-system swear jar. Co-starring is the cult classical Dexter Fletcher playing Spike, the mischievous seppo with "nothing to lose." There are other cast members, but most of them are boring, stereotypical and shithouse.

The Meat Inside:
Featuring a cast of nobodies, the fledgling Junior Gazette has merely five days until their first edition hits the presses sans front page story. In the pre-YouTube/MySpace/Twitter Blog/OMG RUPERT MURDOCH PWNS J00 age of media oversaturation, this means the kids have to actually use their wits and find one. A delinquent American exchange student or some shit reluctantly joins the fold after displaying a MacGuffin at the school dance and fates himself to expulsion or a burdgeoning Bob Woodward style journalism career. He opts for the latter and attempts to bludge his way out of working by making witty quips about induction forms. The power of the poon (The "pretty" pint-sized J. Jonah Jameson style Editor) compels him to fly right and walk straight, eventually, despite his often madcap and/or tryhard antics.

The Cheese:
Of course, with every children's TV show, the acting resides in a nightmarish Aristotelian world of either melodramatic Stanislavskian methodical perfection or absolute ratshit. "Spike", the American bastard, can't act for shit while Saffron aims and shoots for the 1951 Best Actress Oscar. The resident Del Boy who sells homework for a quid a pop dazzles while Spike's hapless partner in crime seems like the producer's kid who had to fill in at the last minute.

The Awesome Theme Song:
Naturally, with everything produced in the early 90s, crude samples and cheaply synthesized everything were de rigeur. Think Pink Floyd's "Money" covered by Wham! with the cash registers replaced by typewriters and you've pretty much got it down pat.

Should I Watch It:
Absolutely. This knockabout slice-of-life dramady (barely) can be overwrought, underacted and cringeworthy at times, but it sure beats the shit out of T-Bag and the Sunstones of Montezuma, the microbudget pantomime wankery now looking painfully obvious in hindsight. Or first-sight, for that matter. You can also "lol" at the typewriters via Facebook. That'll learn those cheapskates for not forking out for a 286 with Windows 2.0 on it.

---

In actual news, I spied a woman at work that looks exactly like Tweety from Merrie Melodies. No shit, she actually looks like Tweety. Its fucking bizzare.

My Old Shows #1 - Split Infinities

When I was younger, I had many ideas for shitty shows. Here is the first in a line of shows that I present to you, the blogtastic public. Please don't say it sounds like "Sliding Doors" or I will cut you, cut you good.

Title: Split Infinities
Status: Treatment stage
Completion: Probably never
Synopsis:

Imagine if you made a decision that affected the rest of your life? What about one that affected the next half an hour? Split Infinities explores the funny and remarkable side of everyday decisions – do I go to work or stay at home? Go to a wild party or a quiet night at the pub? Take your mother’s or girlfriend’s side in a family argument?

Endless possibilities are thrown up and played out by hapless and mostly cynical university graduate, David, who is earning a PhD in a field his tutors think is preposterous (but haven’t the heart to tell him) that makes his decision based on an issue, problem or simple daily choice. Set in a suburban town adjacent to a cosmopolitan city, it will explore modern, young people in an increasingly twisted and sarcastic world of their own creation. Typically, two scenarios will be presented in each episode and will look at how his decision affects his world around him. Alternate history plays a large part in Split Infinities, as observational and incisive references to popular culture and world events are also presented in a “what if” fashion in an alternate timeline. The narrative will be non-linear, showing the immediate ending first and replaying his original decisions’ timeline contrasted with a different scenario. The truth of the matter is that sometimes there just is no right decision.

Main supporting characters will be drawn from his eccentric friends including a headstrong ex-girlfriend that moves on in word but not quite in deed, his best school chum with a delicate handle on reality and Tom, a vagabond scriptwriter will play as a slightly exaggerated caricature of the writer of this show, to add realism and to break the fourth wall in a quirky fashion.

An Open Letter to The United States of America

Dear President Bush, "Shadow" President Cheney, Members of the House, Senators, the General Electric Company, the seven million people who work at Starbucks (probably);

After viewing your "adaptation" of our beloved and multi-award winning reflection on the very unique - quite frankly, inimitable - Australian bogan culture Kath and Kim, the people of Australia would like to issue this response.

EVER
AGAIN

Man About Town

My eyes look like sunken graves, the whites blurred, the pupils like an abyss staring into the distance. My sleeping timetable is monumentally fucked - I need some structure (read: a proper job) to get things happening again. It's not the fact I wake up with no purpose that doesn't get me out of bed, its just inertia. General inertia.

Nevertheless, my mini-getaway holiday was firstly furnished by the lovely Kyle and DeeDee, who provided much lulz in their cozy house in the middle of the "Ghetto", which isn't too far removed from an apt description. Their taste in TV is unsurpassed and of course never failed to disappoint. I am going to have so much fun watching Department S. Also, if Australia treated their Big Brother housemates with utter contempt like they do in Britain, I would be half-way inclined to watch it.

If you haven't seen the Grindhouse double in the cinema - DON'T! (I mean, of course, please do. Its such a fantastic experience. DON'T! is just a reference that myself and Natasha couldn't stop making after we saw Edgar Wright's awesome grindhouse inspired "preview" of a slasher pic.) I am ultimately (in the truest nature of the word) very tired and very broke.

I love the internet - there's nothing you can't find out...eventually.