Life, Death and Rebirth

When the last word uttered out of your mouth is untruth, it drips with slime. Each hanging thread crashes towards the ground and oozes self-hate throughout the room. Then as you walk away, you feel as if you have gotten away with a grand deceit, an amazing feat of sheer cunning overcoming integrity. The lie had been sealed and delivered and there's nothing more that can be done.

These last few weeks in my personal development, I've not learned the value of being truthful to others - others will invariably deceive themselves in a variety of ways. No matter how much truth I can tell them, they won't see, hear or feel what it is that I have communicated to them totally; or they shall choose to ignore it completely. Even if I endeavor to tell the truth, there will be instances where I inadvertently and deliberately "haven't."

The cleavage between false knowledge and complete fabrication is where my endeavors lie. To remain true-to-fact about my own life and my own feelings is where my aims are set. To respect these boundaries that I've created by holding fast to them and expecting others to honor them and step back from them when they are violated. I think that's an important step.

Talking to people about relationships and their own experiences, I think that being truthful to oneself and remaining realistic and rational about that truth affords a newfound respect for the truth as a language and behavior in action. Once one can learn how to speak the truth inside his own mind, he can speak it just as easily to others; be it pleasant or unfortunate, wonderful or terrible. When I am truthful to myself and others a great burden has been lifted from me; thinking becomes clearer and the cloud of trying to fool everyone disappears.

Those who are over-concerned with fooling others are invariably fooling themselves; their intense, darting eyes and contrived mannerisms almost seem like a concerted effort not only to convince others of their lies, but themselves; that if they can believe totally and utterly in their bullshit, others just might too.

My angst and worry about being caught out as a fraud that plagued me for so long no longer persists; I am no longer counterfeit and thus have nothing more to fear.