Stalker Alert

If you're like me and on an income that is instantly gripped in the talon-like fingers of debt and arseholes, you can't really spend $1.50 on newspapers with copy that doesn't stink of the wretched cologne-soaked keystrokes of PR "mavens", social media'd or otherwise. Therefore on the train, the mX is an alternative to mind-numbing boredom of train travel and the accompanying whines of kiddies who are similarly bored and love the sound of their own attention-making hole. In every edition, the "talk" section showcases snippets of Melbourne's overwhelming stupidity in about 160 characters or less. Even more fun is the "Here's Looking at You" section.

An outlet for the dateless and (very) hopeful, the HLaY section boasts vague 'missed connections' from commuters on the Melbourne train network (for my Amerifriends: it works about as well as our internet does.) Pleas for "the cute girl on the 6:32, I liked the cut of your jib, lets go to coffee" are routinely heard, as well as the occasional, more detailed clip, like this:

Oh sorry, did I say detailed? I meant stalkery. The proximity required for Mr. iLike to make these observations would be mere inches - millimeters even - unless iLike is an actual cyborg manufactured by Apple Computers, replete with digital zoom and programmed to recognize the human emotion we know as love. (read: lust.) However, his memory banks also have brand recognition and like any functional Apple design, the brand is the advertisement. (classic iPod? Oooh!) Fair enough that he can remember what clothes she was wearing - even that she was eating food. Shows that he's attentive. But this dude can even smell the firmware crack on her iPod touch - amazing! Here's what his brunette beauty should say, even though we all know she never will.

"Dear iLike, remember when you bought your first iPod and after about a year, the little sad face appeared on the screen? Well, that's how I feel about you. You're like that sickly little computer confined behind an LCD screen. While I feel sorry for you, it doesn't translate into boom-boom sexy time action. I guess your credit card will be charged with another months subscription to Big Busty Interracial Grannies.

Take care,

Normal Girl"

There are websites and courses that can turn your ownership of a lonely heart into a broken heart. Don't say I didn't warn you, iLike.

Also: see my latest "magnum opus" on YouTube.