You know when you've taken something for granted when it's gone. When the flash of thought that signals you to reach for it has to be quelled in remembrance to that which you had. It seems so effortless, obvious when it's there but then it feels all askance when it's not. I upset a friend yesterday, one of the dearest ones I've ever had the privilege to know. Whether my intentions were merely an oversight or not has not changed the result - I've been shunned and condemned regardless.
Over 10 years of friendship buried by a flight of irrationality and an exchange of spite-filled words. Whether I deserve the treatment or not blurs my vision - being accused of being a bad friend when I've done nothing but support her through thick, thin and the gamut in-between hurts to say the least. Whether a nucleus of truth in what she tells me, what she informs me of what I've done (or not) looks to be present or not may indeed be the flash point for a once iron-clad friendship to unravel and burn. I can't help but think that my friend is crying for help, yet pushing me away at the same time. It's so very, very hard to tell. It's hard to live with. I can't beg for forgiveness forever.
4 comments:
Oh damnit. I was going to be all funny about how I'm drunk right now and ask for your forgiveness and that you don't judge me. But humour and shenanigans can wait.
Why are you making something like this public? We all fuck up; it happens. Don't make this crap public. It doesn't help your cause. Just to let you know: when you say, "I've hurt someone dear to me, but I'm not sure if I have or have not actually done something wrong, but I feel bad nonetheless, even though I believe I probably didn't do anything wrong," (paraphrasing from interpretation of your words) it sort of makes you look like a dick. Don't use the internet to garner support or sympathy. Be responsible, own up to what you've done, work out what's happened and where the shit hit the fan, and be a real proper friend and talk to her about it.
Don't make it worse. Don't do this shit. Your friends should be worth more than this to you. Ranting and venting is good. But when you use this sort of medium (Crushtor Inc) to do it, it presents one side of the argument: and that's kinda biased and isn't fair on the other party.
It's alright to admit we're a dick sometimes. Don't lose a friend or alienate her more by justifying your position by acting oblivious to the, "wrong," you've done.
To steal a phrase from popular culture (something, people tell me, which is popular to do): that's not cool.
I don't have a "cause" - I'm not trying to ask for sympathy, I'm actually really startled and dumbfounded this happened. I was a bit of a dick and I apologized for it rather sincerely and vehemently. I freely admit to that. The point is I can't believe a relatively minor infraction has led to a near-dissolution of a decade-long, very deep and very close friendship. I can't talk to her if she doesn't respond to them or hangs up on me etc. Surely you have similar friends that you share these bonds with.
Having that said, this is a blog; I do things/things happen to me, and I write about them. I'm not getting people to take sides. I'm more inclined to think she needs help somehow.
One man's irrelevance is another girl's big deal.
Sometimes it doesn't matter what we think. Sometimes it matters what they think. Accept you'll never understand anything, and do what you can to do the right thing by your friend.
Are you angry at me? =(
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