I Lied and Decieved You with the Truth

I made another pointless decision that I may not follow through with the other day - everything feels spent and worn-out these days. Everything seems too comfortable. I keep people at arms length, investing little faith in the brighter dawn and spouting endless amounts of half-truths and bullshit to all I encounter.

To put it simply, I don't think I can stay here any more. Ever since I was a child, I've been waiting for something to be over, like if I can complete that task, walk one more step or write one more word, the game resets itself and I can try again on a different setting. My original goal was to be in the States by November, but that goal is looking less and less likely of being attained. The plan now is to finish my degree and move interstate - preferably internationally at some of the boutique destinations only many would dream of - to a far away city and surroundings. A friend of mine made it all click for me the other day; that no matter how far I venture out of my comfort zone, I always remember that a safety net has my back lest it breaks, although I have to sacrifice much of my risk taking for it to work even slightly effectively.

Although I haven't the resources for it right now, I aim to have them very soon. Then I'm gone for good. It is only a matter of time, now. There's very little keeping me here.

Then I'm out.

nothing at all
there was nothing at all
then came nothing at all
then came nothing at all
but nothing at all, is nothing
the bastards they got us
one by one
they lied and deceived us
with the truth
the bastards they took my darling there
on top of the hill I can see
my lost world down there
- Kent, Ingenting (trans.)