Ghost Office

I was going to write a tedious rant about how people hate other people and how cigarettes are awesome because they kill you, but I thought it would be prudent and less shit to have some lulz. A corruption of LOL. Which stands for Laugh out Loud.

PRESENTING!

THE UNSENT SECRET LETTERS FROM FAMOUS PEOPLE TO OTHER FAMOUS PEOPLE (USLFFPTOFP)

My rampant unemployment has led me to devour books at an alarming rate for a member in a society taught to think as little as possible and react as much as possible. These letters will never be sent because, well, people are pussies. And some of the mentioned are dead (or at least, dead to me.) Here's the first USLFFPTOFP:

Rick Astley is a cult internet phenomenon. Everyone's been rick rolled. If you haven't yet, you're either over 40 or living in Sierra Leone. Bill Hicks in his masterful Half-Sane pilloried Astley for being a general jackass and complete wanker. Here's what Astley would send to Mr. Hicks if his tarred lungs didn't give out on him:

From: Rick Astley
To: Bill Hicks
Subject: Funny

Hey Bill, hope you're well. I've almost forgiven you for calling me all those horrible names you did in that video. It's funny because even though my video is a source of derision, it does generate a lot of laughs - more laughs in a shorter length of time than you ever got in your entire career, and i'm not even a professional comedian! And I didn't have to do shit!

Your pal,

Rick "Roll'd" Astley

The truth hurts. So does this:

To: Jeff Walker, Bill Steer, Mike Amott (Carcass)
From: Mille Petrozza (Kreator)
Subject: Raise, the flag, of hate

I want my GOD DAMN RIFFS BACK!

- Mille

Actually, that could be sent to absolutely everyone after 1994.

Here's some more from the wonderful world of comic books:

To: Paramount Pictures
From: Stan Lee

I love my Marvel creations as if they were my babies and my gold-plated Mack Trucks, and I want to you to treat them with due care and diligence like you do with your million-strong audience and teams of dedicated, hard working writers.

Love,

"The Man"

They've only released the same movie about 15 times already, who is realistically going to notice now?

Here's one I would personally like to see sent:

From: Roadrunner Records Promotions Department
To: The Metal Community at Large
Subject: LOL

HAHA WE R IN UR BANDS, MARKETIN THEM TO COMERSHUL INCHRESTS

P.S NO, I WILL NOT MAKE OUT WITH COREY TAYLOR

SLAYERRRRRR! (FIRST)

- RRPD

Then this one, if the Parliamentary Spam Filter didn't catch it:

From: Andrew Fisher, John Watson, James Scullin, Ben Chifley, Gough Whitlam
To: Kevin Rudd
Subject: BASTARD

YOU GOD DAMN, SON OF A BITCH - WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU, STAN MOTHERFUCKING BRUCE?

Signed,

The Australian Labor Movement

If only. If only.

Here's another one that I think would be quite appropriate

From: Endemol Southern Star Productions
To: The four remaining Big Brother viewers
Subject: Why Bother?

We were going to write a letter to make fun of your incalculable idiocy, then we figured you wouldn't be able to read it.

And I'm out. Stay tuned!