I remember when I got help. It was this time in 2009. I returned home from the United States without any money to my name, no job, no prospects and seemingly, no future. The script I’d written myself had run out of pages. I simply had no compulsion to write anything more.
The usual cliché is that depression is that of the “black dog;” – to me, a black dog conjures an image of "man’s best friend" colored a dark shade. The black dog, at least to me, has no snarl and has no bite – it is not a Cerberus that stalks your waking hours. To me, depression lies at the core of one’s very soul. It felt as if there was a wounded being inside of me, screaming and writhing in agony, scratching at my eyes to escape. But it knew as well as me that once it had claimed its freedom, the harsh light of day would cause it to expire.
Thus lies in the paradox of this illness – it’s not a disease of the brain; it’s a syndrome of the mind. Once someone feels so inured with depression, the world turns gray. Once embedded within every thought and every inference, depression is your way of life. You remain convinced that this is the only way; you cannot remember how it was before or even if there was a before. Even your memories are tinctured with sadness and loss. Bright moments are dulled; duller moments are simply charred away and taste like ash in your mouth.
You can lie for hours on the couch and let images and sounds flash by. But you take nothing in. Agony rings hollow. You can surround yourself with loved ones and feel that their concern is merely cloying and insincere. Their touches feel like sharp, icy scratches across your skin. A negation swirls around inside and people feel at unease – it’s almost as if they can sense your void of life energy and shy from it lest it snatches their own from under them.
So today is “R U OK?” day, where we are encouraged to ask our friends and loved ones if they are feeling well of mind. Perhaps some of them will confuse process with content and provide a lengthy, immaterial list of gripes that has nothing to do with their own state of mind. To me, when I was lying prone and waiting for an ending, I didn’t want someone to ask me if I was okay. What I felt I needed is for someone to say I was okay – as a worthwhile person. The question, R U OK? should be met with the most precious answer that springs direct from the well of the mind and body – “yes, I am.” It should be felt with the wholeness of your being and expressed with the spark of life renewed. The hard task is this – once you feel you are not, one must labor, struggle and build a feeling that yes – you are. In time, you’ll realize we all are and we all can be.
Together, we can write pages anew in the books of our lives.
Showing posts with label personal development. Show all posts
Showing posts with label personal development. Show all posts
15.9.11
27.3.11
The Winding Road to Shangri-La
In the first time in over a year since the beginning of my recovery, I've finally slammed into a wall. Dusting myself off and nursing my bruises I've only just managed to start the arduous and tedious walk around the wall. Why not just climb over? And what would that even entail?
During my twenty-four years on this earth, I've learned a lot of so-called facts that have turned out to be bullshit. Partially or totally so. My brain has been told time and again that the outside world is thus and immutable. Life is not what our thoughts make it? Now such a notion strikes me as ridiculous.
If the bright spark of settling into the exciting idea that things can be better for myself shone brightly and abundantly for the first year, I would consider this a dark and barren transition phase. Step after begrudging step I walk as ashes fall from the sky. Though not a complete halt, it feels like I'm in retreat from my feelings and desires as the world around me speeds toward changes I'm unable to control. My loved ones' times are fading and far from thrashing against it, I must accept, mourn and move on. I want to see abundance but all I am left with is the sting of scarcity. I want to reach out and cherish all the people in my life, but I still feel they are on the other side of the wall, waiting for me to catch up. They will not wait forever and will eventually move forward on their own path. Without any judgment or reservation, I will too.
Despite it all, the small victory becomes apparent: in knowing one step can follow another, the future is there for our taking. Companions will leave; new lovers and friends will emerge. Then we all depart, towards our final, unavoidable destination. If I can tolerate and learn from the grey and sorrowful, this time of desolation and emptiness, it will lead me to somewhere greater. Every man must carry his scars, his ashes. It is what gives him strength in these times of need.
So now I walk with ashes in hand, toward the other side.
During my twenty-four years on this earth, I've learned a lot of so-called facts that have turned out to be bullshit. Partially or totally so. My brain has been told time and again that the outside world is thus and immutable. Life is not what our thoughts make it? Now such a notion strikes me as ridiculous.
If the bright spark of settling into the exciting idea that things can be better for myself shone brightly and abundantly for the first year, I would consider this a dark and barren transition phase. Step after begrudging step I walk as ashes fall from the sky. Though not a complete halt, it feels like I'm in retreat from my feelings and desires as the world around me speeds toward changes I'm unable to control. My loved ones' times are fading and far from thrashing against it, I must accept, mourn and move on. I want to see abundance but all I am left with is the sting of scarcity. I want to reach out and cherish all the people in my life, but I still feel they are on the other side of the wall, waiting for me to catch up. They will not wait forever and will eventually move forward on their own path. Without any judgment or reservation, I will too.
Despite it all, the small victory becomes apparent: in knowing one step can follow another, the future is there for our taking. Companions will leave; new lovers and friends will emerge. Then we all depart, towards our final, unavoidable destination. If I can tolerate and learn from the grey and sorrowful, this time of desolation and emptiness, it will lead me to somewhere greater. Every man must carry his scars, his ashes. It is what gives him strength in these times of need.
So now I walk with ashes in hand, toward the other side.
16.2.11
The Beast That Shouted Love at the Heart of the World
As a child, I kept to myself and I kept everything to myself. For everything I did, there was a lie to cover it up. So accustomed to lying, it rapidly displaced truth. It just became easier that way.
So around this time last year, I resolved thusly: to tell the truth. When I started and continued, I felt relief. I no longer felt a fraud, I no longer felt trapped by my own "bullshit." I was a free man, free from the mental gymnastics required to keep all my lies afloat and free of the guilt of deceiving loved ones and others.
So what happens when I keep things to myself again, I wondered? The past few weeks I've felt flat and frustrated until I explored my feelings within - the causes of which are numerous - and I admitted to myself: I felt angry. Then once the truth was exposed, the anger faded into a feeling of positivity, a feeling of power. Old habits die hard, especially in phases of transition and upheaval.
In this phase of the dating moratorium when I have felt most alone, I have felt an intense want to express my love - sensually and platonically - without an outlet. It's the loving part that feels wounded most of all during the whole integration process of taking one's loneliness and re-framing it as a positive and rewarding solitude.
Throughout childhood and adolescence I found it easier to "not miss anyone" due to a fear of abandonment - but now I am feeling the lack and the sorrow that comes with the foreign concept of "missing" people. I would be lying to say that I do not. A couple of weeks ago, it's possible I could have returned a contrary answer. But now I allow myself to and emerge on the other side as a stronger man.
Thus, the past couple of months have been fueled by a tendency to bullshit myself, yielding varied results. Scarcely a year has passed since the beginning of my personal journey towards manhood and I've learned so much. But twenty-three years of bullshitting oneself is not simply unlearned in less than one. But the challenge is to sustain myself through the bullshit and emerge on the side of truth - and I wouldn't trade it for anything in this world.
So around this time last year, I resolved thusly: to tell the truth. When I started and continued, I felt relief. I no longer felt a fraud, I no longer felt trapped by my own "bullshit." I was a free man, free from the mental gymnastics required to keep all my lies afloat and free of the guilt of deceiving loved ones and others.
So what happens when I keep things to myself again, I wondered? The past few weeks I've felt flat and frustrated until I explored my feelings within - the causes of which are numerous - and I admitted to myself: I felt angry. Then once the truth was exposed, the anger faded into a feeling of positivity, a feeling of power. Old habits die hard, especially in phases of transition and upheaval.
In this phase of the dating moratorium when I have felt most alone, I have felt an intense want to express my love - sensually and platonically - without an outlet. It's the loving part that feels wounded most of all during the whole integration process of taking one's loneliness and re-framing it as a positive and rewarding solitude.
Throughout childhood and adolescence I found it easier to "not miss anyone" due to a fear of abandonment - but now I am feeling the lack and the sorrow that comes with the foreign concept of "missing" people. I would be lying to say that I do not. A couple of weeks ago, it's possible I could have returned a contrary answer. But now I allow myself to and emerge on the other side as a stronger man.
Thus, the past couple of months have been fueled by a tendency to bullshit myself, yielding varied results. Scarcely a year has passed since the beginning of my personal journey towards manhood and I've learned so much. But twenty-three years of bullshitting oneself is not simply unlearned in less than one. But the challenge is to sustain myself through the bullshit and emerge on the side of truth - and I wouldn't trade it for anything in this world.
20.1.11
With Crystal Clarity
"Every moment waited is a moment wasted and each moment wasted degrades your clarity of purpose."
- David Deida
Though the road has been fraught with obstacles and "bumps," the past month has been one of intense pain and likewise, great self-discovery. Yesterday I was contemplating my life goals and as such, wrote them down. In a nutshell, I wrote three: To be happy as a paid writer, to try my hand at professional filmmaking and to be a world traveler and eventually citizen. Suddenly, in the act of acknowledging my own self-purpose, all petty and immediate concerns washed away.
As a man, I feel stronger with a mission in mind and achievements to be made. Setbacks are only that - they may add time and frustration to your journey but eventually they are overcome. To be honest, if your computer dies, a girl you like rejects you or a boss chews you out for arriving late for work and you rank those amongst your worst problems then you haven't really got any real problems and are more than likely "awfulizing."
In the current medium-term, it is to finish my Master's and throughout it save enough money to move out of my parents' house once and for all.
I encourage all men to list their life goals, regardless of age and not to dwell on whether they have accomplished them or not. You don't have to do it right, you just have to do it.
(cross posted at It's A Dude Thing)
12.1.11
Itsadudething.com
I've hinted at my next web project for a few weeks now, but I've finally decided to move forward with it.
I've registered the domain itsadudething.com. The thrust of the site is simple - it's a blog and site for men who want to reclaim their masculinity.
Reading a myriad of books on masculinity and manhood, I've come to realize that at least in my life, my masculinity was looked down upon as something shameful. My mother and father both sent out messages during childhood that my manhood was undesirable - that my agency and inner "wild man" as Bly would put it ought to be tamed, muted and exorcised.
Even society has forced men into a corner. Look at countless depictions of men on television and you'll see them as gormless boobs that don't know their arse from their elbow. Some of them are even rewarded for being clueless (the Ross and Rachel saga from Friends comes to mind.)
Men tell other men they are "whipped" by their women yet their pointed finger points straight back at them. Men are afraid of intimacy and dating because they conflate "respect" with "submission." Some men lead lives of quiet desperation sat in front of the television when they could be living a much more fulfilled life instead.
Men are born free yet everywhere they are in chains.
So working closely with some of my brothers we will write articles about our journey from the "nice guy" to the loving yet assertive integrated male. I also hope to get interviews with men from a variety of occupations to discuss men's issues also. I might make a little cash from it too!
I hope all you dudes (and sympathetic chicks) can join us!
I've registered the domain itsadudething.com. The thrust of the site is simple - it's a blog and site for men who want to reclaim their masculinity.
Reading a myriad of books on masculinity and manhood, I've come to realize that at least in my life, my masculinity was looked down upon as something shameful. My mother and father both sent out messages during childhood that my manhood was undesirable - that my agency and inner "wild man" as Bly would put it ought to be tamed, muted and exorcised.
Even society has forced men into a corner. Look at countless depictions of men on television and you'll see them as gormless boobs that don't know their arse from their elbow. Some of them are even rewarded for being clueless (the Ross and Rachel saga from Friends comes to mind.)
Men tell other men they are "whipped" by their women yet their pointed finger points straight back at them. Men are afraid of intimacy and dating because they conflate "respect" with "submission." Some men lead lives of quiet desperation sat in front of the television when they could be living a much more fulfilled life instead.
Men are born free yet everywhere they are in chains.
So working closely with some of my brothers we will write articles about our journey from the "nice guy" to the loving yet assertive integrated male. I also hope to get interviews with men from a variety of occupations to discuss men's issues also. I might make a little cash from it too!
I hope all you dudes (and sympathetic chicks) can join us!
10.1.11
Steps to an Integrity of Mind
During this social media moratorium* I've been doing a wealth of reading - mostly re-reading psychology books such as Drs. Ellis and Harper's A Guide to Rational Living (I started re-reading it yesterday and am almost finished - It's incredible what can be accomplished when you decide to walk away from a computer!) I'm also re-reading much of my "useful resource" library that can be accessed here.
In addition I'm getting out of the house more - just because!
The ability to silence one's chatter to allow one to think, challenge and pose new questions is severely hampered by the "Niagara of words" as Samuel I. Hayakawa once noted. Twitter and Facebook updates with a frequency that is twice or even three times as quick than the human nervous system could possibly parse and understand. If our abstraction processes are routinely incomplete then surely social media networks are passing around discrete packages of shortened information that are whittled down into something almost nonsensical (insofar we are unable to extract meaning from them via our senses.) So why is our mind being littered with tiny tracts and tidbits? Where is our mindfulness in this instance?
In my view, mindfulness is being conscious of your abstraction and subvocalization process - also known as metacognition or "thinking about thinking." You are most likely not reading this post aloud and thus subvocalizing the words. But how often do we sit back and think about what we are telling ourselves about the world?
Usually we are unaware of our own thoughts. These are powerful - they impact on our emotions and behaviors. If the Sapir-Whorf hypothesis and researches of Count Korzybski are held to be valid, our reality is inferred and created by what we tell ourselves and how we derive meaning from the outside world. If we tell ourselves we are a "piece of shit" or unable to handle certain situations we feel we have been trapped in a cage built by our reactions to a largely self-constructed semantic environment.
It is true - we only have limited choice when considering the vastness of the cosmos and the immediate macrocosm that we see. Standing on the corner of the street we can choose what direction to travel and whether to peruse a shop, book a holiday or even chat up a girl we find attractive but causality remains. But there are some things we cannot prevent and other things we are completely incapable of. But that does not make life unlivable, harrowing or awful. We adapt to our environment as best as possible and carve out happiness within it.
The universe is indifferent but the way we choose to see it is up to us entirely. Even if one is a cognitive neuroscientist, a believer in the eight-circuit model of consciousness or a strict religionist or somewhere in between, we all choose to adapt to these methods of thinking - no one forces us. At the end of the day we are alone in how we conduct ourselves and how we perceive the outside world. Belief is the death of intelligence. Belief in the irrational is the death of one's agency and one's mental freedom.
Much like Marcus Aurelius says - Do you not possess reason? With reason doing its job, what else could you possibly want or need? It can feel like a struggle to become rational in an increasingly irrational world - but, at least in my opinion, it is one of the most worthwhile endeavors one can ever take.
---
*I am aware that some of my non-social media activities on the web cause automated tweets to be sent, such as posting this blog or "loving" tracks on Last.fm, etc. This does not constitute a "breaking" of the moratorium according to my criterion.
In addition I'm getting out of the house more - just because!
The ability to silence one's chatter to allow one to think, challenge and pose new questions is severely hampered by the "Niagara of words" as Samuel I. Hayakawa once noted. Twitter and Facebook updates with a frequency that is twice or even three times as quick than the human nervous system could possibly parse and understand. If our abstraction processes are routinely incomplete then surely social media networks are passing around discrete packages of shortened information that are whittled down into something almost nonsensical (insofar we are unable to extract meaning from them via our senses.) So why is our mind being littered with tiny tracts and tidbits? Where is our mindfulness in this instance?
In my view, mindfulness is being conscious of your abstraction and subvocalization process - also known as metacognition or "thinking about thinking." You are most likely not reading this post aloud and thus subvocalizing the words. But how often do we sit back and think about what we are telling ourselves about the world?
Usually we are unaware of our own thoughts. These are powerful - they impact on our emotions and behaviors. If the Sapir-Whorf hypothesis and researches of Count Korzybski are held to be valid, our reality is inferred and created by what we tell ourselves and how we derive meaning from the outside world. If we tell ourselves we are a "piece of shit" or unable to handle certain situations we feel we have been trapped in a cage built by our reactions to a largely self-constructed semantic environment.
It is true - we only have limited choice when considering the vastness of the cosmos and the immediate macrocosm that we see. Standing on the corner of the street we can choose what direction to travel and whether to peruse a shop, book a holiday or even chat up a girl we find attractive but causality remains. But there are some things we cannot prevent and other things we are completely incapable of. But that does not make life unlivable, harrowing or awful. We adapt to our environment as best as possible and carve out happiness within it.
The universe is indifferent but the way we choose to see it is up to us entirely. Even if one is a cognitive neuroscientist, a believer in the eight-circuit model of consciousness or a strict religionist or somewhere in between, we all choose to adapt to these methods of thinking - no one forces us. At the end of the day we are alone in how we conduct ourselves and how we perceive the outside world. Belief is the death of intelligence. Belief in the irrational is the death of one's agency and one's mental freedom.
Much like Marcus Aurelius says - Do you not possess reason? With reason doing its job, what else could you possibly want or need? It can feel like a struggle to become rational in an increasingly irrational world - but, at least in my opinion, it is one of the most worthwhile endeavors one can ever take.
---
*I am aware that some of my non-social media activities on the web cause automated tweets to be sent, such as posting this blog or "loving" tracks on Last.fm, etc. This does not constitute a "breaking" of the moratorium according to my criterion.
7.1.11
The Summer of Tom
"My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents."
- George Costanza
Good evening, sports fans. I've gone on yet another social media moratorium until the 14th of January (that has now been extended to Formspring and Tumblr.) Why? Well I'll explain.
The last few days have really exposed some behaviors and feelings that I at least feel I need to work on. Getting "hit" by my grandmother's illness and covering up my feelings about how I handle the aftermath from relationships from myself (and consequently others), I feel has contributed to getting myself stuck in a negative groove to start 2011. I'm doing and saying things from a place of neediness and insecurity instead of strength and abundance.
I feel good that I'm not starting from square one, but I still feel that some areas of my life need shoring up. Some things in life just can't be ideal, all the time. Shit takes work, yo.
I'm spending too much time at home since my employment situation is less than ideal. I'm working on my thesis (slowly) as well as articles for websites I write for. Of course this is unpaid work but work nonetheless. Using Twitter and Facebook is just an excuse to procrastinate and avoid work instead of taking up the challenge of producing good quality copy. If things don't pick up with self-employment, I'll be trying to temp at factories and warehouses instead. It's all about taking care of myself.
Of course taking care of myself means I'll be eating healthier and modifying my exercise regime to be progressively more challenging, preparing me for my belt grading in Sin Moo Hapkido.
Twitter and Facebook has also reinforced an attachment to outcome and keeping an even keel, people-pleasing and trying to appear interesting or intelligent. I sometimes feel like I'm tweeting exclusively just to get a positive response or to gain more followers. What's the point of that?
On the intimate and platonic relationship front, I need to almost start from scratch. Some have slipped considerably, others have had false-starts and many have been declared dead on arrival (for good reasons.) 2011 is a year in which I will re-evaluate who is in my life and who I let into it and why. I haven't taken stock of that for a long while and a social media moratorium is the perfect place to start.
In the dating scene, I thought I was more "ready" than I'd let on to myself, but of course that was a misnomer. Looking for dates and relationships now after such a slender gap between now the end of a relationship probably isn't a good idea for myself and anyone else. So I've decided to go on a three-month dating and sex moratorium.
That's right - no sex and no dates for three months.
It sounds a bit extreme - but I have put myself under such conditions before - namely the first half of 2010 (Six months! Can you believe it?) It was a fun and freewheeling time and I learned how to interact with the opposite sex on a flirty level without the added "rating" of one's performance with...well, performances of a horizontal kind. I could also bond with men and develop my masculinity that had been sorely missing in my life as an adolescent and young adult.
The last moratorium was a journey that required great willpower. Yet it built my inner strength so I could take care of myself and approach life in a positive fashion without fear or shame. Being able to say "no" also prepares one to have "no" said to them.
Preferences that become demands are almost never healthy and a moratorium, I feel, will restore that balance.
Preferences that become demands are almost never healthy and a moratorium, I feel, will restore that balance.
My blog will be more focused on these issues during the moratoriums (and yes, there will be several more!) and personal development stories as I really push and challenge myself to be the best man I can be - a small glimpse into a journey of a lifetime!
---
Furthermore, a special project is in the works that will combine my talents and personal development, details of which will be revealed soon!
6.1.11
Embrace the Abundant
On my blog I ask a lot of questions and pose a lot of challenges. Sometimes I lose sight of my own perspective. As an imperfect being that lives in an imperfect world, I sometimes blinker myself to what is really there and it takes the intuition of another to hold a mirror to myself to reveal who I am from one moment to the next.
Recently, I experienced two such occurrences that knocked me on my arse - but now after some intense and raw conversation with my support group brothers and friends, I am grateful for having them.
One experience exposed my folly in believing some things are forever and that I can master all things in my life. I cannot - there are some instances where I must surrender to forces I cannot completely control. These unstoppable events will claim us all and claims the ones we love. We can weep and thrash and curse but it makes no difference.
I hunkered down and insisted it didn't bother me. I could bargain, plead, hate and shout but at the end of the day it doesn't change the reality of the situation. We must make peace with all aspects of our frail, yet beautiful humanity.
Another showed me how far I have yet to travel on my personal journey. Last year gave me the strength to have a good and healthy relationship with a girl that I loved and to end it with love.
But there is grieving and sorrow associated with all partings and like it or not, it deposits itself on one's being. I buried it, disavowing it's existence. I even told myself and others I felt calm when there was really tumult.
Such action can throw up feelings of shame, a disbelief in the abundant and a renewed attachment to outcome. All the conditioned traits of the "old me" I had worked so hard to expunge. Some things require patience and other things must be surrendered; its helpful to distinguish which is worth fighting for.
Initially I felt "Wow, have I really slipped so far? Has my all my learning and all my trials and challenges meant nothing?" I have life affirmations plastered across my wall. I see them when I wake, when I prepare for the day and when I dress myself for bed. Despite their ubiquity in my room, I blithely ignored them. In both instances I was not honest with myself and my integrity was lacking. Dishonesty in oneself almost always translates to dishonesty to all involved.
But like all good students, we learn from mistakes and grow our knowledge for later use and revision. The world had in no uncertain terms told me "No!" (twice!) but I can still take some positives from it.
Even though I persevered, I hit a brick wall. In less than one week, a year's work was unraveled. I wanted to prove I could handle these new challenges - yet the execution was dreadful. But prove to whom? I only seek to prove to myself that I can rise up to life's challenges. I am the only person I have to please. Failure is a part of life (It doesn't make you a "shit" as Dr. Ellis would say) and I can take comfort in at least rising to the occasion.
If I can feel happy, If I can live life to serve my own mission and to love in my own way, I can safely feel that I am on the right track.
Recently, I experienced two such occurrences that knocked me on my arse - but now after some intense and raw conversation with my support group brothers and friends, I am grateful for having them.
One experience exposed my folly in believing some things are forever and that I can master all things in my life. I cannot - there are some instances where I must surrender to forces I cannot completely control. These unstoppable events will claim us all and claims the ones we love. We can weep and thrash and curse but it makes no difference.
I hunkered down and insisted it didn't bother me. I could bargain, plead, hate and shout but at the end of the day it doesn't change the reality of the situation. We must make peace with all aspects of our frail, yet beautiful humanity.
Another showed me how far I have yet to travel on my personal journey. Last year gave me the strength to have a good and healthy relationship with a girl that I loved and to end it with love.
But there is grieving and sorrow associated with all partings and like it or not, it deposits itself on one's being. I buried it, disavowing it's existence. I even told myself and others I felt calm when there was really tumult.
Such action can throw up feelings of shame, a disbelief in the abundant and a renewed attachment to outcome. All the conditioned traits of the "old me" I had worked so hard to expunge. Some things require patience and other things must be surrendered; its helpful to distinguish which is worth fighting for.
Initially I felt "Wow, have I really slipped so far? Has my all my learning and all my trials and challenges meant nothing?" I have life affirmations plastered across my wall. I see them when I wake, when I prepare for the day and when I dress myself for bed. Despite their ubiquity in my room, I blithely ignored them. In both instances I was not honest with myself and my integrity was lacking. Dishonesty in oneself almost always translates to dishonesty to all involved.
But like all good students, we learn from mistakes and grow our knowledge for later use and revision. The world had in no uncertain terms told me "No!" (twice!) but I can still take some positives from it.
Even though I persevered, I hit a brick wall. In less than one week, a year's work was unraveled. I wanted to prove I could handle these new challenges - yet the execution was dreadful. But prove to whom? I only seek to prove to myself that I can rise up to life's challenges. I am the only person I have to please. Failure is a part of life (It doesn't make you a "shit" as Dr. Ellis would say) and I can take comfort in at least rising to the occasion.
If I can feel happy, If I can live life to serve my own mission and to love in my own way, I can safely feel that I am on the right track.
29.12.10
A Personal Journey
In January 2010, I blogged about my impending liberation. Liberation from a four letter word. The word is fear. In my prolonged adolescence that I feel has ceased only this year, I felt only two emotions that I would dare name. Fear and the absence of it. The fear of telling the truth and avoiding saying anything. Fear of intimacy. Fear of being alone. I was in a double bind that I thought would haunt me to my grave, my epitaph reading like a school report card: "So much potential yet wasted."
Working with my brothers in my support group, my therapist and safe friends along with a multitude of books and activities, I've transformed myself from spineless and heartless into something resembling a human man. I don't fear love. I don't fear the truth. I don't fear solitude. I don't care if I'm popular - I only care if I conduct myself with integrity. I don't hide any more, I'm out here in plain sight. As a result, and without even realizing it, 2010 has been my most productive year of my life.
I've written countless articles for Metal As Fuck, a few for Onya Magazine in addition to writing a Federal Election column, held down a variety of jobs that bolstered my experience, gained a belt in Hapkido (after starting this year) won a key speaker award at the AGS conference, attended a United Nations conference, set up my own business with two clients so far, won two awards for academic excellence and will have one of my essays published in the peer-reviewed journal, ETC. A review of General Semantics. Despite not shifting a significant amount of the fat I picked up during my time in Atlanta, GA, I do feel stronger and fitter.
But as rapid as the transformation has been I still feel there is more to go. Korzybski said in 1921, we are on the cusp of the Manhood of Humanity. I am only starting to embrace my own manhood and my own humanity; strengths, foibles and all things between. 2010 for me has had incredible highs and crushing lows. For the most part, it's been a challenge that I've stepped up to every day - each day I try to learn something new and push myself somewhere I've not been before.
This year I've been loved, hated, praised, denigrated, ignored, beaten, bruised, sad, lonely and happy. Sometimes the projects I've attempted have failed. Other times, they've succeeded. I've lost some dear friends. I've gained others. I've loved, I've lost and I've loved again. Sometimes the timing is right - other times it's off. The universe is change - life is what our thoughts make it.
2010, I salute you.
2011 - I'm on a mission. I'm coming to kick your arse.
Working with my brothers in my support group, my therapist and safe friends along with a multitude of books and activities, I've transformed myself from spineless and heartless into something resembling a human man. I don't fear love. I don't fear the truth. I don't fear solitude. I don't care if I'm popular - I only care if I conduct myself with integrity. I don't hide any more, I'm out here in plain sight. As a result, and without even realizing it, 2010 has been my most productive year of my life.
I've written countless articles for Metal As Fuck, a few for Onya Magazine in addition to writing a Federal Election column, held down a variety of jobs that bolstered my experience, gained a belt in Hapkido (after starting this year) won a key speaker award at the AGS conference, attended a United Nations conference, set up my own business with two clients so far, won two awards for academic excellence and will have one of my essays published in the peer-reviewed journal, ETC. A review of General Semantics. Despite not shifting a significant amount of the fat I picked up during my time in Atlanta, GA, I do feel stronger and fitter.
But as rapid as the transformation has been I still feel there is more to go. Korzybski said in 1921, we are on the cusp of the Manhood of Humanity. I am only starting to embrace my own manhood and my own humanity; strengths, foibles and all things between. 2010 for me has had incredible highs and crushing lows. For the most part, it's been a challenge that I've stepped up to every day - each day I try to learn something new and push myself somewhere I've not been before.
This year I've been loved, hated, praised, denigrated, ignored, beaten, bruised, sad, lonely and happy. Sometimes the projects I've attempted have failed. Other times, they've succeeded. I've lost some dear friends. I've gained others. I've loved, I've lost and I've loved again. Sometimes the timing is right - other times it's off. The universe is change - life is what our thoughts make it.
2010, I salute you.
2011 - I'm on a mission. I'm coming to kick your arse.
27.11.10
Incredible Lateness of Being
Living in an uncertain world, we can also face the prospect of time being not only our keeper but our cruel and merciless dictator. A missed appointment, careless mistake and unsent missive can ruin the journey of a life, if we let it. We can move on and take it in a mechanical stride or feel it burn hot inside us and let the emotion well up, cooling as unspent and leaden. Acknowledging the ebb and flow of uncertain time can bring great joy but also a sense of longing and despair.
But then we can create worlds of words that bear no connection to reality. We idealize and are frequently disappointed when the tree bears fruit and despite the sweetness, we taste only bitterness. What seems good at one time can sometimes become ill fitting as time marches on. Sometimes the mismatch of the old map with the new territory aches like being boxed in against our will.
But the constraints are everywhere and freeing ourselves from them can be a Herculean struggle. If we believe that the cause is just, the love is pure or the loss is greater from inaction than from standing up to claim what is ours, then we can overcome it. If we never get what we want, at least we can proudly say that we tried. Even if the timing is off.
But then we can create worlds of words that bear no connection to reality. We idealize and are frequently disappointed when the tree bears fruit and despite the sweetness, we taste only bitterness. What seems good at one time can sometimes become ill fitting as time marches on. Sometimes the mismatch of the old map with the new territory aches like being boxed in against our will.
But the constraints are everywhere and freeing ourselves from them can be a Herculean struggle. If we believe that the cause is just, the love is pure or the loss is greater from inaction than from standing up to claim what is ours, then we can overcome it. If we never get what we want, at least we can proudly say that we tried. Even if the timing is off.
7.11.10
Returning to a Fold
Last week, I pledged to take a break from Facebook and Twitter. I've mentioned previously that Facebook was almost "unavoidable" due to my running of advertising on behalf of a company I work for. But overall, I feel that my social media "embargo" was a liberating experience.
I saw The Social Network with Steph last week and we discussed whether Facebook is popular because it has a purpose or rather, people discover uses for it ex post facto. We couldn't come up with an answer. Social media, like most media, is created by loathsome people with loose morals for egotistical reasons. Well, it holds true for Mark Zuckerberg, anyway.
So, what the hell have I been doing?
Reading More
I have been reading more. News articles, blogs, magazines, books; you name it, I'm reading it...more. All the while not having any desire for electronic pats on the back, distracting me from actually reading what is written.
Getting Fit
As part of my ongoing personal challenge, I've been going to the gym more. I would usually struggle to go once per week, but this week I have gone there three times and plan to go once more before the week is over. My girlfriend says she notices the difference; I sure as hell don't!
Talking
Relying on social media to get critical messages (as in, ones that initiate action) is like telling a dog to pick you up from the train station. Social media, as a process has different meanings to everyone. Some see it as frivolous, others see it as a marketing tool, more as "agenda" or "trend" setting. (If they did, they certainly require the audience to be as passive as possible.) Using the phone, communicating clearly and concisely without losing the "fidelity" of the message has been a byproduct of this embargo.
Of course, my favorite part of the entire experiment is that people ask me how I'm doing. They no longer have a repository of personal information to make those judgments themselves. They become interested; they listen. I can talk with them instead of at them. Friends are genuinely surprised to know what is happening in my life and how these events effect me.
Social media had for the most part, made me feel I had reduced my life to a rolling headline. But it doesn't and shouldn't; social media attempts merely to make Princess Adelaide's whooping cough front page news all day, every day.
So what now?
I suppose I will use Twitter and Facebook again; albeit not to the inanely rapid frequency that I once did. If I ever "lapse," I can always go back into my personal social media rehab and have a great time there. I have missed talking to some people on there since we also talk outside of Twitter but not to the extent we do "on."
I do feel that Twitter and Facebook are good tools for people to have. However, like every good tool - a spoon, for example - they aren't meant to be used all the time, for every possible application. They have limitations and so do we.
I saw The Social Network with Steph last week and we discussed whether Facebook is popular because it has a purpose or rather, people discover uses for it ex post facto. We couldn't come up with an answer. Social media, like most media, is created by loathsome people with loose morals for egotistical reasons. Well, it holds true for Mark Zuckerberg, anyway.
So, what the hell have I been doing?
Reading More
I have been reading more. News articles, blogs, magazines, books; you name it, I'm reading it...more. All the while not having any desire for electronic pats on the back, distracting me from actually reading what is written.
Getting Fit
As part of my ongoing personal challenge, I've been going to the gym more. I would usually struggle to go once per week, but this week I have gone there three times and plan to go once more before the week is over. My girlfriend says she notices the difference; I sure as hell don't!
Talking
Relying on social media to get critical messages (as in, ones that initiate action) is like telling a dog to pick you up from the train station. Social media, as a process has different meanings to everyone. Some see it as frivolous, others see it as a marketing tool, more as "agenda" or "trend" setting. (If they did, they certainly require the audience to be as passive as possible.) Using the phone, communicating clearly and concisely without losing the "fidelity" of the message has been a byproduct of this embargo.
Of course, my favorite part of the entire experiment is that people ask me how I'm doing. They no longer have a repository of personal information to make those judgments themselves. They become interested; they listen. I can talk with them instead of at them. Friends are genuinely surprised to know what is happening in my life and how these events effect me.
Social media had for the most part, made me feel I had reduced my life to a rolling headline. But it doesn't and shouldn't; social media attempts merely to make Princess Adelaide's whooping cough front page news all day, every day.
So what now?
I suppose I will use Twitter and Facebook again; albeit not to the inanely rapid frequency that I once did. If I ever "lapse," I can always go back into my personal social media rehab and have a great time there. I have missed talking to some people on there since we also talk outside of Twitter but not to the extent we do "on."
I do feel that Twitter and Facebook are good tools for people to have. However, like every good tool - a spoon, for example - they aren't meant to be used all the time, for every possible application. They have limitations and so do we.
2.11.10
Facebook Follies
Apropos my recent Twitter and Facebook "embargo," I've found it increasingly difficult to avoid Facebook entirely, especially now that I've been contracted as a media consultant to Diamond Dog Food and Bakery, a boutique dog food, drink and product store in Bayside Melbourne. (Please "like it" so I can access a custom URL!)
The experience thus far has given cause to put a personal "value" on the friends I keep on there. One Facebook contact I saw tried to passive-aggressively knock me down a peg - I had no care for his online "friendship" so I deleted him on the spot. I have no time to waste on people like that.
The Twitter hiatus has gone well, despite breaking it once to share a link to an interview I did with Jonas Renkse of Katatonia.
In a recent essay, I charged that Facebook and Twitter aren't just part of our media culture but a culture in and of themselves. I feel now that Facebook is borderline "unavoidable" if you wish to participate in commerce in any meaningful fashion.
Over time, I am becoming less and less enamored with both Twitter and Facebook and more likely to fight the urge to tweet or post. I caught myself thinking in 140 character "bites" to share with other people about 20-30 times over the last few days and had to actively stop myself from reaching into my pocket or firing up TweetDeck. If anything, it's shown me that I still have an attachment to being liked, being seen as witty or intelligent and as a good writer. If I can overcome those attachments, it lifts a massive burden from myself and eases a lot of self-imposed stress.
I don't feel disconnected from my friends - the connections on Facebook are devoid of intimacy and reality. The challenge is to find social relationships with substance in real life with real people, every day.
The experience thus far has given cause to put a personal "value" on the friends I keep on there. One Facebook contact I saw tried to passive-aggressively knock me down a peg - I had no care for his online "friendship" so I deleted him on the spot. I have no time to waste on people like that.
The Twitter hiatus has gone well, despite breaking it once to share a link to an interview I did with Jonas Renkse of Katatonia.
In a recent essay, I charged that Facebook and Twitter aren't just part of our media culture but a culture in and of themselves. I feel now that Facebook is borderline "unavoidable" if you wish to participate in commerce in any meaningful fashion.
Over time, I am becoming less and less enamored with both Twitter and Facebook and more likely to fight the urge to tweet or post. I caught myself thinking in 140 character "bites" to share with other people about 20-30 times over the last few days and had to actively stop myself from reaching into my pocket or firing up TweetDeck. If anything, it's shown me that I still have an attachment to being liked, being seen as witty or intelligent and as a good writer. If I can overcome those attachments, it lifts a massive burden from myself and eases a lot of self-imposed stress.
I don't feel disconnected from my friends - the connections on Facebook are devoid of intimacy and reality. The challenge is to find social relationships with substance in real life with real people, every day.
14.9.10
A Succession of Victories
"To see victory only when it is within the ken of the common herd is not the acme of excellence."
- Sun Tzu, The Art of War
There's tensions between all points in the universe - that of the educated person schooling the fool and getting only resentment in return, the kindness of a stranger that's taken advantage of and original thinking being lauded until declared dangerous by powers that have heavily invested in maintaining the status quo.
In our world, we strive so hard not to do what is right, but what is correct - to tick boxes that have been arbitrarily created. Our world has been abstracted beyond our current understanding. We have made for ourselves a world of words, symbols and commands. Anything else would be deemed "subversive" or "strange."
It feels incomprehensible to me when parents and elders tell me "when" not "if", that my path has been pre-determined. In this world, so many paths bear the footprints of legions of fear-wracked men and women that never dared and unfortunately lost. I defiantly say "No!" when told that I must and ought. The only must and ought comes from a divine source - a wellspring that I am not convinced to exist. We have choice and using this choice we can find what is best for ourselves. It took me a long time - and will presumably take even longer - to realize victory is a feeling that arises from within; it does not - and never will - come from the approval of others.
13.7.10
This Human Equation
Holidays from both study and work leave me with spare neurons to devote to idle reflection. I decided to read extensively on media ecology and economics over my semester break in preparation for my Masters' thesis as well as work on my General Semantics studies.
Chatting to an acquaintance of mine (whom I hope to get to know better!) we settled that, amongst a great many other things, one aspect of commonality we shared was we "didn't understand humans properly" despite our chosen professions of reporting on what they do and why.
Therefore, I will embark on an ongoing project entitled the Human Equation project, the title inspired in part by Arjen Lucassen's Ayreon record of the same name and the motto of the American Psychological Association; "man is the sum of his parts." It is my contention that our society has willfully disconnected us from one another; we work longer and spend more money and time alone, purposefully separate ourselves and hole ourselves off from the world using a myriad of digital distractions. These will comprise three initial experiments.
1. The Ellis Experiment
As regular readers may know, Albert Ellis, Ph.D was the father of Rational Emotive Therapy, a widely successful cognitive behavioral therapy. By applying rational, empirical thinking to every day situations he found that people could live happier, calmer and neurosis free.
One of his earlier experiments involved talking to members of the opposite sex since he had an exaggerated fear of speaking in public during his adolescence. At age 19, he forced himself to himself to talk to 100 women in the Bronx Botanical Gardens over a period of a month. Although "he didn't get a date, he reported that he desensitized himself to his fear of rejection by women." I, along with several others will attempt this experiment on a smaller scale to reconnect with people in a meaningful way.
2. The Postman Experiment
Media ecologist Neil Postman was both in awe of and skeptical of technology - especially media technology. While many of us take it for granted he contended that media was a Faustian bargain. It both giveth and it taketh away. It takes our sense of community, ties to the real and tangible and forces us to spend time away from others. In his book Technopoly, he sets an assignment for his students - they must forsake their use of all media technologies for 48 hours. If they broke their media "fast" they were forced to start again from scratch. Set in the mid-90s before the advent of cheap and easily accessible hand-held devices with access to the internet, it will seem that media is unavoidable by design in 2010. Therefore me and my fellow experimenters will attempt 24 hours and record our experiences.
3. The Rushkoff Experiment
I think this one will prove the most challenging. This will be an attempt to re-create tangible value amongst the community by exchanging goods and services in real terms with other people. Instead of buying from corporations, I will try to buy locally and trade with neighbors and others using a modified principle of "comparative advantage" - what I can do well in exchange for something else another can do well that I cannot. In his Life, Inc. he argues that corporations have abstracted wealth from local institutions and people and clustered it towards a center, far removed from everyday life. If we can use the abundance in front of us instead of from somewhere inaccessible, we can add value to ourselves locally instead of an elite few.
These experiments have a two-fold purpose - for myself to further my personal development and re-connect with people in a true-to-fact and purposeful way and to "debunk" the givens of modern society. That we must be disconnected and that "bowling alone" is not the right way but merely the path we have chosen in the environment we find currently find ourselves in. If the map is not the territory, it is time to redraw the map and hopefully through our own action and effort, carve out our territory for the better.
Chatting to an acquaintance of mine (whom I hope to get to know better!) we settled that, amongst a great many other things, one aspect of commonality we shared was we "didn't understand humans properly" despite our chosen professions of reporting on what they do and why.
Therefore, I will embark on an ongoing project entitled the Human Equation project, the title inspired in part by Arjen Lucassen's Ayreon record of the same name and the motto of the American Psychological Association; "man is the sum of his parts." It is my contention that our society has willfully disconnected us from one another; we work longer and spend more money and time alone, purposefully separate ourselves and hole ourselves off from the world using a myriad of digital distractions. These will comprise three initial experiments.
1. The Ellis Experiment
As regular readers may know, Albert Ellis, Ph.D was the father of Rational Emotive Therapy, a widely successful cognitive behavioral therapy. By applying rational, empirical thinking to every day situations he found that people could live happier, calmer and neurosis free.
One of his earlier experiments involved talking to members of the opposite sex since he had an exaggerated fear of speaking in public during his adolescence. At age 19, he forced himself to himself to talk to 100 women in the Bronx Botanical Gardens over a period of a month. Although "he didn't get a date, he reported that he desensitized himself to his fear of rejection by women." I, along with several others will attempt this experiment on a smaller scale to reconnect with people in a meaningful way.
2. The Postman Experiment
Media ecologist Neil Postman was both in awe of and skeptical of technology - especially media technology. While many of us take it for granted he contended that media was a Faustian bargain. It both giveth and it taketh away. It takes our sense of community, ties to the real and tangible and forces us to spend time away from others. In his book Technopoly, he sets an assignment for his students - they must forsake their use of all media technologies for 48 hours. If they broke their media "fast" they were forced to start again from scratch. Set in the mid-90s before the advent of cheap and easily accessible hand-held devices with access to the internet, it will seem that media is unavoidable by design in 2010. Therefore me and my fellow experimenters will attempt 24 hours and record our experiences.
3. The Rushkoff Experiment
I think this one will prove the most challenging. This will be an attempt to re-create tangible value amongst the community by exchanging goods and services in real terms with other people. Instead of buying from corporations, I will try to buy locally and trade with neighbors and others using a modified principle of "comparative advantage" - what I can do well in exchange for something else another can do well that I cannot. In his Life, Inc. he argues that corporations have abstracted wealth from local institutions and people and clustered it towards a center, far removed from everyday life. If we can use the abundance in front of us instead of from somewhere inaccessible, we can add value to ourselves locally instead of an elite few.
These experiments have a two-fold purpose - for myself to further my personal development and re-connect with people in a true-to-fact and purposeful way and to "debunk" the givens of modern society. That we must be disconnected and that "bowling alone" is not the right way but merely the path we have chosen in the environment we find currently find ourselves in. If the map is not the territory, it is time to redraw the map and hopefully through our own action and effort, carve out our territory for the better.
1.6.10
The Particle Waves Goodbye
The above quote when translated means One cannot not communicate. I was thinking today as I almost drifted towards sleep and was startled by a thought involving one of my childhood friends who is now moving away to start his career elsewhere. What piqued my interest especially was thinking of his communication as behavior and vice-versa - the dual function that language wields - as a means of communication and as a behavior. Of course language is not limited to our verbal modality, it extends to visual and kinesthetic behaviors; body language and touch and the like."Man kann nicht nicht kommunizieren."- Dr. Paul Watzlawick
Recently, though a partial transformation of attitude - whether self-created or assisted - he has changed the nature of the communication "ritual" as Dr. Eric Berne would call it. The metacommunicative "ritual" was structured on a friendly game of masculine competitiveness - a verbal game of oneupmanship through put downs or "bagging" in the parlance of our times. Recently, this friend has refused to "take the bait" i.e., reciprocated the insults in a manner befitting the well established ritual. This non-communication as a behavior has in fact communicated to me that this friend perhaps has become annoyed with me or no longer wishes to continue the relationship. This behavior validates the axiom of "looking at what [one] does instead of what [one] says." According to some scholars, the choice of words comprise only 7-10% of total communication with the remainder divided equally between voice tonality and body language.
To outsiders, our communication seems scornful and vindictive when in fact the parameters for our friendship has been established in such a fashion that provides us with the maximum amount of pleasure; while we disparage the fidelity of our mothers, we are actually enjoying these little games as an adjunct of the total relationship. The dual function abounds everywhere and reveals itself differently to the partners in the cycle of communication and outside observers. If we remind ourselves of the wave/particle duality of light we can apply it just as easily to human interaction. What we do is what we say and what we say is something we do. Both are inseparable but distinct; both and neither, all at the same time.
16.5.10
A Key to Fit None and All
A lot of what is written and said primarily concerns itself with what people believe in. God, socialism, progress, the almighty dollar. These are all abstractions that many people will gladly throw their lives away chasing and performing deeds in the name of. If we consider the human brain a void which gradually accumulates knowledge with to fill it, we can figure that belief and conviction are like a solid fuel and true-to-fact, verifiable knowledge is liquid, the hypothesis is like a gas.
Unimaginative people cling prefer to the familiar and the repeatable. Flicking a switch will produce light - if darkness persists, we panic. In my home town of Melbourne, Australia the public transportation system is dismal. Trains are routinely delayed. If the trains ran on time, I would figure an uneasiness would grow in commuters due a disruption to their routine of feeling upset at an abstraction. Perhaps divorce rates would soar if the trains ran on time as passengers would have more time at home to complain about their partner instead of to the partner about the tardiness of the train. However, that is not entirely relevant to this post.
If we use our model of belief as solid, we can see that solid objects are immovable and static - they retain the same shape unless they are moved by an external force. If belief occupies the mind of a devout believer, outcomes are more or less repeated. Beliefs about oneself breeds the self-fulfilling prophecy, as Watzlawick posits:
The solid brain and the liquid brain are almost diametrically opposed to one another, but one can thaw his thinking by realizing that things will never return to "normal" since "normal" does not exist. In constant flux, our bodies and the world around us changes from second to second. It took me, after six or so years of struggling with depression, that "normal" or the routine, comfortable state of being - that of misery, repressed desire and frustration - was all I knew as the correct way. It was never the correct way, but merely a way out of one of multi- or infinitely valued states of existence. The belief projected on to something is the ultimate fallacy that stops us from living fulfilled and happy lives. It all stems from Korzybski's fundamental principle - "whatever you say something is, it is not!" If you ever catch yourself blindly believing, ask your self - how do I know that? The realization will soon enough "click" inside your rapidly thawing head.
Unimaginative people cling prefer to the familiar and the repeatable. Flicking a switch will produce light - if darkness persists, we panic. In my home town of Melbourne, Australia the public transportation system is dismal. Trains are routinely delayed. If the trains ran on time, I would figure an uneasiness would grow in commuters due a disruption to their routine of feeling upset at an abstraction. Perhaps divorce rates would soar if the trains ran on time as passengers would have more time at home to complain about their partner instead of to the partner about the tardiness of the train. However, that is not entirely relevant to this post.
If we use our model of belief as solid, we can see that solid objects are immovable and static - they retain the same shape unless they are moved by an external force. If belief occupies the mind of a devout believer, outcomes are more or less repeated. Beliefs about oneself breeds the self-fulfilling prophecy, as Watzlawick posits:
'A self-fulfilling prophecy is an assumption or prediction that, purely as a result of having been made, cause the expected or predicted event to occur and thus confirms its own "accuracy."'Imagine you think your friends no longer wish to be friendly towards you, the starting point (A). As a result you start to resent them and refuse to take their phone calls and start to spread rumors about them at point (B). Your friends taking affront to your malicious overtures, they stop making phone calls and inviting you to social events (C), which confirms the belief (A). If at Point A a less solid but gaseous hypothesis was given rise at (A) and was allowed to heat up with the fire of action, your friends may confess they have been busy with their own projects or work at (B). With curiosity satiated, the gas condenses as an aqueous true-to-fact knowledge at point (C). The liquid can swirl around one's head, never resting firm and always subject to change as its environment changes. Things look less light they "ought to" and more as they "are" and preferable to one's own person.
The solid brain and the liquid brain are almost diametrically opposed to one another, but one can thaw his thinking by realizing that things will never return to "normal" since "normal" does not exist. In constant flux, our bodies and the world around us changes from second to second. It took me, after six or so years of struggling with depression, that "normal" or the routine, comfortable state of being - that of misery, repressed desire and frustration - was all I knew as the correct way. It was never the correct way, but merely a way out of one of multi- or infinitely valued states of existence. The belief projected on to something is the ultimate fallacy that stops us from living fulfilled and happy lives. It all stems from Korzybski's fundamental principle - "whatever you say something is, it is not!" If you ever catch yourself blindly believing, ask your self - how do I know that? The realization will soon enough "click" inside your rapidly thawing head.
29.4.10
Wreck Ignition
In my daily self-reflection, I was thinking about some points raised with my therapist Geoff. We hit upon past relationships and how I felt about them now, after so much time had passed by. He suggested that if I still had residual feelings, I should write them down or initiate a conversation with the partner. I told him, in all honesty, I have little desire to do so. What is done cannot be undone - I doubt it would make any difference to my emotional well-being (especially when I have chronicled relevant parts in my blog on occasion).
Thinking back, I thought all of my partners were unequivocally "amazing" and beyond reproach - I would refrain to enforce boundaries with them even to my own detriment. As I rose from the bed today, I hit a salient point - the mistake I and others make is seeing their partners as "special" rather than unique.
This is not to say my current or former partners weren't interesting or pleasant or etc. - I loved them, I cared about them and strived to treat them with the respect and devotion that I expected within a romantic relationship. But keeping the irrational thought that their partners were somehow imbued with an almost sense of the divine - that they were so fantastical that another one like them surely does not exist anywhere else in this world - will only lead to heartache and counter-productive behaviors such as pining for the good old days when you and your partner were together and waiting for them to magically return to you.
Of course, affairs of the heart are seldom ruled by the head, but the aftermath certainly can be a rational, cognitive process. Its a case of differentiating from "a" girl (or boy) and "the" girl. We can evaluate them as a complex matrix of both good and bad attributes, viewholders, etc. and accept them all as part of what makes them unique - but not special (in the aforementioned sense), of course.
Swedish vocalist Krister Linder in his song "Mixed Blood" sings thusly:
Some people cannot grapple with the thoughts of the "givens" of existence - that life is chaotic and nothing has inherent meaning apart from the ones we ascribe to events and people. Even a married couple of many years must concede that their encounter was dependent on chance and at one point, they were oblivious to the existence of one another. If a relationship goes sour, one can take comfort in the fact that it was yet another FGE (fucking growth experience) and perhaps even learn from their mistakes.
During an acid trip, I once wrote down that the "universe was created so me and Elyse (my former partner) could meet that one time and carry on together into perpetuity" - while that cannot be proven or tested, it's an irrational belief that cannot be held up by any real fact. I am the only person I have to please - it was not my responsibility to solve her (or anyone's) problems or take care of her as if she were dependent on my benevolence and love. As human beings we all have the ability to choose and mold our own destinies; be it with work, hobbies, interests or even intimate partnerships.
Thinking back, I thought all of my partners were unequivocally "amazing" and beyond reproach - I would refrain to enforce boundaries with them even to my own detriment. As I rose from the bed today, I hit a salient point - the mistake I and others make is seeing their partners as "special" rather than unique.
This is not to say my current or former partners weren't interesting or pleasant or etc. - I loved them, I cared about them and strived to treat them with the respect and devotion that I expected within a romantic relationship. But keeping the irrational thought that their partners were somehow imbued with an almost sense of the divine - that they were so fantastical that another one like them surely does not exist anywhere else in this world - will only lead to heartache and counter-productive behaviors such as pining for the good old days when you and your partner were together and waiting for them to magically return to you.
Of course, affairs of the heart are seldom ruled by the head, but the aftermath certainly can be a rational, cognitive process. Its a case of differentiating from "a" girl (or boy) and "the" girl. We can evaluate them as a complex matrix of both good and bad attributes, viewholders, etc. and accept them all as part of what makes them unique - but not special (in the aforementioned sense), of course.
Swedish vocalist Krister Linder in his song "Mixed Blood" sings thusly:
"Don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed / but my melancholy is existential / no remedy or antidote / Don't bother with a cure or rescue"
Some people cannot grapple with the thoughts of the "givens" of existence - that life is chaotic and nothing has inherent meaning apart from the ones we ascribe to events and people. Even a married couple of many years must concede that their encounter was dependent on chance and at one point, they were oblivious to the existence of one another. If a relationship goes sour, one can take comfort in the fact that it was yet another FGE (fucking growth experience) and perhaps even learn from their mistakes.
During an acid trip, I once wrote down that the "universe was created so me and Elyse (my former partner) could meet that one time and carry on together into perpetuity" - while that cannot be proven or tested, it's an irrational belief that cannot be held up by any real fact. I am the only person I have to please - it was not my responsibility to solve her (or anyone's) problems or take care of her as if she were dependent on my benevolence and love. As human beings we all have the ability to choose and mold our own destinies; be it with work, hobbies, interests or even intimate partnerships.
18.4.10
Far Away and Here Again
Last weekend, I went away to Paradise Beach on the Gippsland coast of Victoria, Australia. I stayed by myself in a friend's holiday house and worked on several things and did some reading. I re-read parts of Korzybski's Science and Sanity and touched upon a part on "Unsanity vs. Sanity" that I am sure many people would find beneficial - I intend to expand upon this finding and deliver it as a talk at the first Australian General Semantics Society National Conference.
Towards a theory of "conservative characteristics." (an abstract)
Conservative characteristics are the tendency of "neurotics" (as described by Korzybski) to confuse the orders of abstraction and revert to Aristotelian "allness" as an infantile, learned behavior.1
In childhood, we make underdeveloped, either-or evaluations. Mother, teddy or television is either positive or negative. We seek to reinforce and seek pleasure and minimize disappointment, anger and frustration. These maladaptive behaviors may persist into adulthood.
According to social anthropologist Bronislaw Malinowski, humans underwent a process of socialization from their initial self-awareness thousands of years ago to their current state of societal development. Children up until around the age of 14 undergo their own individuation and socialization process. From the ages of 7-14, the child is thought to be in its "narcissistic", "egocentric" stage and through this stage, patterns of evaluation are seen to occur. Real world events and their evaluation could in fact take the form of if/then statements. For example:
"IF I keep quiet and tell no one that I am feeling hurt, THEN I may escape scrutiny and further pain."
This map or method of evaluation may form as the fundamental reasoning process behind most behaviors in the future. In RET or Rogerian therapy this may be called "toxic shame" or irrational thinking. If this becomes a repeated response with no attempt to adjust the behavior, this could be considered a conservative characteristic.
Methods for overcoming conservative characteristics:
1. The consciousness of abstraction.
Using the structural differential or the ABC model in RET. Read more on the ABC model here.
Preparation for a transition to evaluation of probabilities, not absolutes. Asking "If I do this, the outcome will be this" instead moving toward a Hypothesize-Test-Revise model of behavior.
2. Non-attachment to outcome.
Realization the test is more important than the result. Without the real-world test, NO results or data can be gained for later revision. The outcome has no bearing on the efficacy or worth of the tester.
3. Unconditional self-acceptance.
From this, new experiences may be formed. The beliefs of inherent "badness" or "worthlessness" can be safely abandoned and each situation may be seen as a "tabula rasa" for perceiving and evaluating anew. Realizing that situation1 is not situation2.
---
References:
Korzybski, A., Science and Sanity (5th Ed.), Institute of General Semantics: Dallas, 1994. p. 495.
Towards a theory of "conservative characteristics." (an abstract)
Conservative characteristics are the tendency of "neurotics" (as described by Korzybski) to confuse the orders of abstraction and revert to Aristotelian "allness" as an infantile, learned behavior.1
In childhood, we make underdeveloped, either-or evaluations. Mother, teddy or television is either positive or negative. We seek to reinforce and seek pleasure and minimize disappointment, anger and frustration. These maladaptive behaviors may persist into adulthood.
According to social anthropologist Bronislaw Malinowski, humans underwent a process of socialization from their initial self-awareness thousands of years ago to their current state of societal development. Children up until around the age of 14 undergo their own individuation and socialization process. From the ages of 7-14, the child is thought to be in its "narcissistic", "egocentric" stage and through this stage, patterns of evaluation are seen to occur. Real world events and their evaluation could in fact take the form of if/then statements. For example:
"IF I keep quiet and tell no one that I am feeling hurt, THEN I may escape scrutiny and further pain."
This map or method of evaluation may form as the fundamental reasoning process behind most behaviors in the future. In RET or Rogerian therapy this may be called "toxic shame" or irrational thinking. If this becomes a repeated response with no attempt to adjust the behavior, this could be considered a conservative characteristic.
Methods for overcoming conservative characteristics:
1. The consciousness of abstraction.
Using the structural differential or the ABC model in RET. Read more on the ABC model here.
Preparation for a transition to evaluation of probabilities, not absolutes. Asking "If I do this, the outcome will be this" instead moving toward a Hypothesize-Test-Revise model of behavior.
2. Non-attachment to outcome.
Realization the test is more important than the result. Without the real-world test, NO results or data can be gained for later revision. The outcome has no bearing on the efficacy or worth of the tester.
3. Unconditional self-acceptance.
From this, new experiences may be formed. The beliefs of inherent "badness" or "worthlessness" can be safely abandoned and each situation may be seen as a "tabula rasa" for perceiving and evaluating anew. Realizing that situation1 is not situation2.
---
References:
Korzybski, A., Science and Sanity (5th Ed.), Institute of General Semantics: Dallas, 1994. p. 495.
13.4.10
Learn Why, Unlearn How
Yesterday I received The Situation is Hopeless, but not Serious by former Palo Alto Mental Research Institute scholar Dr. Paul Watzlawick. A pioneer in radical constructivism and communications theory as well as valued contributions to General Semantics, his amusing guide on how to create a constant state of unhappiness I found to be both eye opening and highly useful for guiding my own personal development.
The fundamental principle that many psychotherapies such as RET, Gestalt therapy and even Rogerian therapy base their treatments on is that people learn how to feel unhappy and repeat these thoughts and behaviors throughout their lives - sometimes never learning from them - creating their own unhappiness by doing more of the same.
Dr. Watzlawick's book tells the reader in no uncertain terms to repeat his exercises to be unhappy. Some games such as "self-fulfilling prophecies" or "why would anybody love me?" seem absurd, but are useful for therapy acting as a "symptom prescription" to break an ingrained cycle of unhappiness in a patient.
In the closing pages, he references Dostoyevsky's The Possessed with this line:
While happiness may be a spontaneous condition, it can be hampered by thinking that restricts such feelings from occurring. Watzlawick's wisdom is something everyone can take heed of.
The fundamental principle that many psychotherapies such as RET, Gestalt therapy and even Rogerian therapy base their treatments on is that people learn how to feel unhappy and repeat these thoughts and behaviors throughout their lives - sometimes never learning from them - creating their own unhappiness by doing more of the same.
Dr. Watzlawick's book tells the reader in no uncertain terms to repeat his exercises to be unhappy. Some games such as "self-fulfilling prophecies" or "why would anybody love me?" seem absurd, but are useful for therapy acting as a "symptom prescription" to break an ingrained cycle of unhappiness in a patient.
In the closing pages, he references Dostoyevsky's The Possessed with this line:
"Everything is good...everything. Man is unhappy because he doesn't know he's unhappy. It's only that. That's all. That's all! If one finds out, one will become happy at once, that minute."
While happiness may be a spontaneous condition, it can be hampered by thinking that restricts such feelings from occurring. Watzlawick's wisdom is something everyone can take heed of.
5.4.10
Something Better To Do
On Facebook, there are many fan pages dedicated to a variety of subjects and, well, bullshit. Some of them range from pages celebrating rock stars, actors and authors - others are merely novelties and bullshit like "I called Princess Peach a slut when playing Mario Kart" or "Water tastes good when there's nothing else to drink." Some fan pages have even less of a reason to exist than the aforementioned - and these are the pages such as "Women should be in the kitchen" and the countless variations on that theme.
Leaving the humor aspect aside, I find them offensive. Not because I believe them to be degrading to women (which they obviously are on one level) because I find them degrading to men.
In the 2nd decade of the 21st century, the tools for making oneself independent are abundant, especially in the western world. In my profession, I can report from wherever, whenever and however I choose. To posit that me as a man should be mothered from cradle to grave is ludicrous and highly disturbing. Having a servile, submissive wife endlessly cooking food and cleaning up after us would not do us, as men, any favors. We would be reduced to boys, dependent on a woman for all our needs. While spite-filled frustrated men may believe having such a doting lackey that he can stick his penis into would be a dream come true, I would think it was an absolute nightmare.
By eliminating the requirement to fulfill our own needs, it would breed inaction and laziness. Ambition would falter and our masculine power and agency would be eroded. By subordinating our basic needs to a woman, we put ourselves in a position of dependence. While on a superficial level it would seem that the man dominates the woman in this situation, on a deeper, psychological and emotional level, the man gives up his masculinity in the process. If a man wants to truly exercise his masculine power he would see the complimentary nature of the sexes in a healthy way instead of a maladaptive child-parent dynamic. Its like men saying to women "I am helpless, please take care of me as if I were a baby."
I'll make my own fucking sandwich, thank you very much.
Leaving the humor aspect aside, I find them offensive. Not because I believe them to be degrading to women (which they obviously are on one level) because I find them degrading to men.
In the 2nd decade of the 21st century, the tools for making oneself independent are abundant, especially in the western world. In my profession, I can report from wherever, whenever and however I choose. To posit that me as a man should be mothered from cradle to grave is ludicrous and highly disturbing. Having a servile, submissive wife endlessly cooking food and cleaning up after us would not do us, as men, any favors. We would be reduced to boys, dependent on a woman for all our needs. While spite-filled frustrated men may believe having such a doting lackey that he can stick his penis into would be a dream come true, I would think it was an absolute nightmare.
By eliminating the requirement to fulfill our own needs, it would breed inaction and laziness. Ambition would falter and our masculine power and agency would be eroded. By subordinating our basic needs to a woman, we put ourselves in a position of dependence. While on a superficial level it would seem that the man dominates the woman in this situation, on a deeper, psychological and emotional level, the man gives up his masculinity in the process. If a man wants to truly exercise his masculine power he would see the complimentary nature of the sexes in a healthy way instead of a maladaptive child-parent dynamic. Its like men saying to women "I am helpless, please take care of me as if I were a baby."
I'll make my own fucking sandwich, thank you very much.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)